That Summer Night of August

Kabanata 28

Kabanata 28

Paulit-ulit kong binabasa ang handouts na ibinigay ng professor ko noong Monday. Kanina ko pa ito binabasa pero walang pumapasok sa utak ko. Wala akong maintindihan dahil hindi rin naman niya ito itinuro last meeting. Pabagsak kong ibinaba ang aking ulo sa mesa at tumingin kay Veronica.

"I don't understand a thing," sabi ko sa kanya, na abala sa pag-tap ng kanyang telepono.

Lumingon siya sa akin saka ibinaba ang kanyang cellphone. "It's weird hearing those words from you. Anyway don't mind that, let's take a break and maybe you'll have a clearer mind afterwards."

I took a deep breath, "Any suggestions?"

"Why don't we go grab some coffee?" sagot niya. "A change of scenery might help you think better."

Nagkibit-balikat ako at tumayo. "Alright, let's go. Maybe you're right."

Hindi namin kasama si Lawrence ngayon dahil busy na ito sa volunteering committee. I've been thinking about what Gabriel said last time, but I'm still not quite sure about signing up. Habang naglalakad kami papunta sa café, sinubukan kong wag isipin ang handouts. Saka ko na lang ulit babalikan iyon.

Pagdating namin sa café, umupo kami sa isang mesa sa tabi ng bintana. Umorder si Veronica ng cappuccino at ako naman ay nagdecide na kumuha ng black coffee.

"So, what exactly is confusing you?" tanong ni Veronica habang hinihintay namin ang mga order namin.

"Everything," sagot ko, halos sumuko na. "The concepts, the terms, the examples—none of it makes sense."

"I still haven't read the handouts actually, and I'm not planning to read that anymore. Mahirap na nga para sa'yo, paano nalang kapag kami nang dalawa magbabasa ni Lawrence? Edi mababaliw na kami," natatawang sabi ni Roni.

Napabuntong-hininga ako natawa na rin, "I can imagine. It's really frustrating."

"Don't worry about it too much, Dee. I know it's quite difficult to meet the expectations set by other people around us, but you're a human too, not a machine. You're allowed to make mistakes," Roni said, her voice soft and understanding.

Maybe she's right. I am allowed to make mistakes too. I stopped meeting Dad's expectations after my graduation in 12th grade, but then, there was Lolo who happened to set another set of standards for me to reach. It's tiring, but what can I do? I must follow Lolo to protect my brothers from his control.

I don't know if this is what I want anymore. It's just ironic to think that when I was twelve, I wanted to become like dad. When I reached nineteen, I didn't know anymore. Now that I am twenty-one, I just want to get through college.

The weight of expectations from both my father and Lolo presses down on me, a heavy burden I've carried for so long. But Roni's words reminded me that I had the right to my own path, to make choices that are true to myself.

Nang dumating ang orders namin ni Veronica, agad naman naming ininom iyon at nagpatuloy mag-usap tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.

"Will you be alright with Lawrence in the upcoming school event?" Roni asked. "I can't come; my parents have a business trip planned, and they want me to come along."

"I don't know, Roni," I replied hesitantly. "I'm still not sure if I should accept Gabriel's idea."

"What idea?" Roni probed further.

"He suggested that I join the volunteering committee," I explained reluctantly.

Veronica nodded, understanding my struggle with social interactions. "It sounds like a big step, Dee. But maybe it could be a chance for you to step out of your comfort zone, even just a little."