Our Journey

Chapter 20 Changes

lay pov, I woken up like a regular morning and did my routine my thoughts are already running through my head before I even open my eyes and I've been here a week already and I'm adapting to the new changes but I miss my sisters I miss my northern even though what happened I'm still so mad at her but that's my mother I loved her I just want her to accept me and my feelings and really consider them instead of just downing them I want her to listen not just hear me I thought to myself would this always continue I thought to myself with me and my mother would we ever get right and learn how to communicate with each other cause it's hurting my soul so much and I can tell it's hurting my girlfriend I've been not talking about my feelings and just putting them off and my girlfriend don't like when I don't open up or tell her my emotions and I get that I try my best to tell her what's going in my mind but it be so hard for me to do so it's like I don't want to put all my worries on her all my emotions cause she's only one person she tells me she's here for me and she always reassures me and I love it so much cause she's the only person who shows they care and understand me she knows me inside and out she knows when I'm deep into my thoughts or something bothering her she can tell and feel it and I can't lie about it cause she feels my emotions as well and it's not fair to her at all I appreciate her so much she doesn't understand how much she helps me she probably doesn't see it but she helped me so much I don't know where I'll be without her I'm learning and I'm trying my hardest to continue to open up to my lady and I don't want her to think I'm not trying to her my feelings but that isn't it at all I'm learning patiently but I'm getting there and she's being so patient with me I'm trying my best to get out my dark thoughts and be in my mind so much just with everything with my mother and I have my mind going and also my brother and grandma isn't in the world anymore my grandma is my whole world she was there for me like anybody else couldn't be her love was so unconditional if she was here so much things would be so different I know my mother wouldn't be doing me like this or life would be like this if she was here today I just thought to myself so in my thoughts and with my brother I miss them so much I need them at these moments like right now and everyday but I know she's right beside me my brothers right beside me I know everything will be just fine with them right by my side, my mind been so heavy I can't even process it sometimes when people try to help I block it out cause they never understand and when I do try talk and open up They switch it out on me and tell me I need to listen and to my mother and to stop disrespecting her but whole time they not seeing how much she's affecting me as a person as her own daughter they don't see in my eyes cause I'm just a kid right I said to myself they just don't understand me at all as a person it just doesn't phases me anymore people always going paint me the bad person and they just don't see how much and how bad that effects me and my daily life but hey I'm just a kid right I just wished they'll understand me as a person and accept the way I feel my thoughts and my feelings and at least consider them but that's to good to be true would they ever accept my feelings as my thoughts clouded I feel like she doesn't understand or love me she thinks I'm this bad child but in reality I want my mothers attention her unconditional love the feeling to have a good bond and be just fine with my mother and I know my mother have her own problems she's facing but don't take it out on me it's like I know she's been through so much but don't put your anger and say things that hurt my heart to me it just make me hate you but I love you at the same time I scream at my thoughts my mother was gone a big part of my life she went to prison for awhile and when she left I felt lost and abandoned I think I still hold a part of anger towards her for that I just want her to understand and listen, I didn't have my granny with me and this hard moment I've been missing my granny so much and so dearly all I need it her to crave this love and pain in my heart I know if my grandma was here I wouldn't be going through anything I'm going through now but I know she has me every step of the way and never forgotten me she was right here I snapped out my thoughts once again and begin texting my girlfriend and just letting her know not to worry and I'll be just fine cause I hate when she worry about me I just don't like the feelings but she doesn't care she wants to know all my feelings and emotions and to let them all out to her even scream them if needed and that's what I loved about her she consider all my feelings every last one and I thanked her so much for that and also told her I loved her for being there for me so why is it so hard for them to show up the same, I continued on with my day trying to let my thoughts go and try to keep myself busy for today and talk to my girl as well she's keeping a lot off my mind I thank her so much for being here for me as I smiled thinking about her, us.