Ayanokouji What If: Popularity Time

V7.5 Monologue: To Feel Fear

Life isn't reversible. Every action has a consequence, and we've been taught that since a young age. Be careful what you say, you can hurt people!

Don't throw your toys at somebody, it can hurt them!

Be afraid of the big bad wolf.

But I didn't buy into that crap. I was different from the rest. I wasn't afraid of the bigger fish.

I wanted to beat the bigger fish, to feel something. I did feel something.

Unlike the stories you hear about emotionless freaks who pursue goals to feel something only get nothing in return, I did feel something.

Satisfaction, happiness, and enjoyment. I enjoyed the fight.

The fight I'm referring to was in middle school.

There was a snake. We were all outside when it slithered up from off of the path and towards the cowering children.

Each and every teacher was focused on protecting the kids, ushering all of them back. Everybody was afraid.

Afraid of the big bad wolf.

Yet, I was different. I stepped forward to fight back.

I didn't want to be a hero, I didn't want to be loved. I just wasn't afraid. Why should a human be afraid of something that doesn't have arms?

That's what I thought, at least.

When I crushed the snake with my shoe, I realized something.

"It feels good to beat something else."

It feels good to be on the top of a fight. So I fought. I was a loner before, a bit of a troublemaker, but after the incident, I became a full-blown delinquent. I ruled my school, anybody I found annoying, I buried their face in the dirt.

When I wanted something, I would take it by any means necessary. Naturally, I got into trouble, but I got off with a slap on the wrist.

Gradually, I rose to the top of the food chain. Everybody respected me out of fear and did exactly what I wanted.

Anybody who went against the status quo would be singled out and beaten. Then they would become a social pariah and lose everything they ever had.

But it became boring.

It's not entertaining anymore when you're the big fish at a shitty old middle school. Besides lunch money, not much could be gained.

So I became bored. Traveled to other neighborhoods and conquered those as well. But it was always just a temporary rush of satisfaction.

Every day, I was wishing a new kid would come to the neighborhood and become the big fish, somebody for me to finally go against and get pleasure from beating.

But that never happened.

"Only death can defeat a dictator," I thought.

When I got to ANHS, I didn't expect much. Until the class battle began, and then I really became interested.

To topple Class A and rise to the top? That'd be cool and all, but then I could go even higher. Take over the whole school.

Every year I would get new prey to mess around with, an infinite source of pleasure.

In a way, I got what I wanted in the form of Ayanokouji Kiyotaka.

A sociable person, I wrote him off as a nice guy who wanted to help people.

But I was wrong. Acting as the secret mastermind, he was ruthless, cold, and violent.

He and I went head-to-head, fighting constantly. I thought we were on equal ground, maybe even better than him.

But time after time, I realized he was farther head than I ever could have thought.

Was he ever serious about this?

When he defeated me in a battle of fists, I realized: He wasn't serious.

He let me hit him, he let me take advantage. And he still won.

I kept face as he mercilessly beat mine, but as the darkness took over, I realized:

I'm afraid of him.

Somebody who was emotionless as he beat down a long-time pest. Taking down another person has to have another emotion associated to it, right?

But there was nothing in his eyes. No anxiety, happiness, or pleasure. Just a blank stare.

It was like he was kicking a pebble down the road as he walked, not giving any thought to it.

Beating me was a meaningless task to him.

That's why I felt fear.

An emotionless monster capable of beating me down is something that even I was afraid of.

Fear is a motivator though. I'm still not like other people.

Other people cower because of the fear coursing through their veins, but I will use this fear as a motivator.

To make that monster feel fear, I must use my own against him.

That, is the motive of me, Ryuen Kakeru.

Author: Short lil monologue for my dear readers as I wrap my head around whatever the fuck the mixed training camp arc is. Golly. Have a great day and see you next time I update!