Back Together ~ pt 2

❤︎︎ Fifteen ❤︎︎

Life honestly went so quickly. A month later and it was finally Christmas. I had Mila on my lap cuddling me and Lando gave Adam & Cisca a box saying "you're gonna be grandparents", a box for Sav, Flo & Cisca saying "you're gonna be aunties" and a box for Oli saying "you're gonna be an uncle". Lets just say they all teared up instead and we got shit tons of cuddles. Mila looked slightly confused but we told her.

"Mila, you're gonna have a cousin! Uncle Lala & Auntie Lexi are gonna have a baby" I said. Mila giggled and cuddled into me and put her head on my stomach which was adorable. Life felt perfect after Christmas. The season finally started up again and I was 16 weeks pregnant. I did have a bigger bump than normal which made me look like I was 20 weeks pregnant but I promise I was 16 weeks. We went into the paddock and we went straight to his driver room. "baby is getting so big... already 4 months pregnant. 16 weeks... lots more to go though"

"We've got this, Lexi. We're in it together, remember? Plus, think of all the fun we'll have planning for their arrival" he said

"I genuinely thought it was gonna be a miscarriage... I guess not though"

"I know how scary that must have been for you. But we made it through, and we're going to be okay"

"that's also something I was gonna tell you... we get to find out the gender next week"

"Oh, Lexi! That's so exciting! I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl" he said as he pulled me in his arms

"I really hope it's a girl. I mean I won't be upset if it's a boy but I know how much you wanna be a girl dad and I would love a little girl"

"I think it would be great to have a little girl, too. But honestly, as long as the baby is healthy, that's all that matters"

"yeah... do you think I'm gonna be a good mama...?"

"You're already an amazing mum-to-be, Lexi. I have no doubt you'll be the best mother our child could ask for"

"I don't think I will be... my brain is so fucked that I always want to harm myself. the only reason why I haven't in the last couple months is because I haven't wanted to harm our little baby..."

"Lexi, I know this is a difficult time for you, but please don't harm yourself"

"I just constantly feel like running to my lighter and burning myself again"

"Did you ever talk to someone about this, Lexi?"

"you know talking to people doesn't do anything for me"

"I know it's hard, Lexi. But please consider talking to someone. You don't have to go through this alone"

"it's never helped before and it never will. every therapist I've had has just given up on me because I'm "too difficult to sort out""

"They're not worth your time, Lexi. There are people out there who can help you"

"there aren't... I don't even think I'm meant to be a mama... I'm gonna fail our little baby so bad..."

"You are not going to fail, Lexi. You are going to be an amazing mama"

"I'm not... I'm gonna end up failing this baby..." I said before feeling a kick... a baby kick... our baby's first ever kick... and it was a pretty hard kick too... "our baby kicked... that was the first kick... why did they kick so hard when I was saying that I'm gonna be a shit mama...?"

"I think our baby was just letting you know that they already love you and want you to be their mama. It's not about being perfect, Lexi. It's about being there for your child"

"but why would they want me to be their mama when I'm gonna be so shit..."

"You are not going to be shit, Lexi. You are going to be an amazing mom. And our baby knows that"

"I won't be though... I'll be a shit mama" I said before feeling another hard kick

"See? Our baby is trying to tell you something, Lexi. They want you to be their mama, and they know you'll do a great job" he said

"but I won't..." I said and once again got a really hard kick but in my ribs

"Wow, our little one is really letting us know their opinion. And you know what? I think they're right" he said

"they're talking shit" I said before feeling the biggest kick ever to my bladder which literally made me run to the toilet. I came back and sat on the floor next to Lando again.

"See? Our baby is trying to tell you something, Lexi. They want you to be their mama, and they know you'll do a great job"

"well they're wrong" I said as our baby kicked me in my ribs again

"No, Lexi. They're not wrong. They're already telling us how they feel, and it's clear they want you to be their mama"

"I wish they would stop kicking me when I say that I won't be a good mama"

"Well, it seems like our baby is quite persistent. Maybe you should start listening to them, Lexi. They know you'll be an amazing mom"

"i just don't wanna let them down because I'm so fucked in the head"

"You won't let them down, Lexi. You're strong and capable, and you have me and the rest of the crew here to support you. Plus, our baby needs you. They chose you for a reason"

"babies don't just choose you..."

"Oh, but they do, Lexi. They choose the people who are best suited to be their parents. And you're perfect for our baby"

"I'm not..." I said before getting another kick

"Well, it seems like our baby disagrees with you"

"so stubborn... just like me..." I said with a hand on my bump as he pulled up my shirt slightly so we could see my bare bump "I think they're gonna be quite a big baby... I'm quite big for only 16 weeks"

"They're going to be perfect, just like you" He said as he gently traced his finger over my bump. "And yes, I think they might be a bit bigger than average. But that's okay"

"a little chubby monkey just like I was... I was a massive baby. I was 9 pounds and 7 ounces I think. I was a fat baby"

"Well, our baby might just take after you in that way then. And honestly, it's better to be a bit bigger and healthier than small and underweight"

"you were a tiny baby. you were just tiny anyways. I was taller than you for basically our whole childhood"

"Well, I might have been small, but I've caught up to you now"

"yeah. you're like 2 inches taller than me now"

"Maybe our baby will be in between the two of us"

"I hope they won't be too tiny. but definitely not too big. maybe they're trying to make me think they're big but they're actually tiny and I just have a lot of fluid. it's happened to people before where they've looked so big to the point where they've looked like they're having twins but they actually had a tiny baby and just had shit tons of fluid"

"That's true. We'll just have to wait and see"