Back Together ~ pt 2

❤︎︎ Thirty-Four ❤︎︎

December hit and so did the snow which meant a whole massive snow day with Liliana. She loved it. The day was perfect. Well... that was until we put Liliana to bed and Lando came down looking even more pissed than ever.

"Alexa. Are you using me??" He said. I actually burst out laughing but then I looked up at him and saw that he was serious.

"you don't seriously think I've been using you?" I said

"You expect me to believe that?" He said as he put his phone in my face. Some stupid tweet. There was no proof of anything. I would never use him.

"Excuse me??" I said as I stood up in front of him. "you think that I would use you??? We've known each other since we were 3!!! We have a child together!!! I mean yeah you being a multi millionaire is a benefit but it's not why I got with you. I love you for who you are!!! I would still choose you even if you were the poorest person on the planet!!!"

"Then why did you start dating me?"

"because I didn't want to lose you again!!!" I said with my tears filling my eyes. "the day my dad forced me to stop talking to you when we were 7 was the hardest fucking day of my life. you were the only friend I had ever had in my life and I lost you that day and we lost contact with each other for 17 years. and the day we matched on tinder with you going under a different name and then us meeting and when I realised it was you I knew that I couldn't let you go again and that I loved you more than a friend... that's why I started dating you... that's why I said yes when you proposed to me only like 6 months into our relationship... that's why we've had our baby girl together..." I said. I could see in his eyes that he knew I wasn't lying. I would never use him.

"I'm sorry..."

"but why would you believe something so fucking stupid online? if I was using you I wouldn't have had Liliana with you and I would have given up on you by now but I haven't"

"I don't know... It just seemed so out of character for you to the point where it was so stupid that it would be impossible to make up... I guess I should have known better than to believe everything I read online"

"you usually know better than to believe stuff like that..."

"I know, I know... I'm sorry for doubting you" he said as he wiped my tears away

"Just give me cuddles..." I said in his chest. He nodded and pulled me on the couch and wrapped me up in the blanket as I laid in his arms with my arms around his torso and my head on his chest.

"I'm sorry for being such a jerk..."

"it's not your fault, Lan... your brain forced you to believe something that was so stupid that it seemed too stupid to be a lie but I promise you that it is a lie"

"I believe you... I should have never doubted you" he said before placing his lips on mine. Just what I needed... a loving and perfect kiss.

The next morning we actually got a call... the call we had waited a few months for... Liliana was watching the TV and was completely zoned out. I gestured for Lando to come into the other room and I closed the door.

"You okay, Lex? What was that call about?" He said

"okay good... um... that call was about Liliana... they're gonna try and get her diagnosis assessment ready for the new year" I said. I couldn't actually believe it. I thought we would still be waiting at least a year.

"Well that's good news... you feeling alright about it...?"

"yeah... I don't know why but I kinda feel like crying... maybe because this is finally a step forward in figuring out why Liliana is the way she is..."

"It's okay to feel that way, Lex. If you need to let it out then let it out"

"i know... I'm just scared for the future because I know for a fact that she's gonna get bullied when she starts school..."

"We'll teach her how to stand up for herself"

"She won't be able to... her heart is sensitive and she takes lots of things to heart; so much that she can't respond to them if it's bad"

"Look, she's gonna be okay. Even if she is autistic, it doesn't mean her life is over"

"say that again in 15 years when we're having to hear her crying from her room because she's fed up of being bullied and by then she'll know that she's slightly different and it's gonna destroy her every single day... she's going to hate herself in 15 years and we won't be able to do anything but listen to her crying every night"

"I know it's hard to imagine now, but things could be different"

"it won't be. i know exactly what will happen because it's happened to every single autistic family member I've had. it's anxiety and depression waiting to happen"

"We'll get her the support she needs, Lex. And if she does experience anxiety or depression, we'll get her help immediately. But once again, we don't know for definite yet if she's autistic or not" he said. I couldn't stop looking for my lighter. I was shaking in his arms and he knew what I was looking around for. "Hey, look at me. You promised me you wouldn't hurt yourself, and I need you to keep that promise" he said. I tried anyway. I ran to find my lighter but it was dead. I ran to the front door with my keys and I went out to get a new lighter. I didn't burn my wrists though... instead I went and bought a pack of tobacco, a new lighter, filter tips and some papers. I walked back inside and Lando instantly saw it in my hand. "You can't smoke that" he said

"why not?? I'm 28. I can do what I like" I said. He shook his head and took the tobacco packet off me as well as the other stuff and put it on the top shelf in the kitchen.

"Because you're not well enough to be doing it. Smoking is dangerous, especially for someone like you"

"for gods sake just let me have them"

"No. You don't need this addiction right now"

"I do!!! just let me have it!!! I spent £50 on all that!!!"

"Look, I understand that you want these things, but what are you going to do when they're gone? Buy more?"

"I don't know. Probably"

"And how much are you going to spend on them? Hundreds of pounds a month? Thousands? That's not the answer. We need to find a healthier coping mechanism for when things get tough"

"it's either this or burning my wrists. take your pick"

"I choose neither"

"you do realise how depressed and crazy I'm going to get if I don't have either of them"

"I know you're struggling. but I also know that these things won't help you in the long run"

"for fucks sake!!!! just let me have something!!!! would you rather I go back to being a drug addict???? I do these other coping mechanisms so I don't go back to drugs because every single day I want to go back to them!!!!"

"No, I don't want you to go back to drugs"

"then give me something to cope with"

"Fine. If you give me like three weeks, just three weeks, to help you find healthier coping mechanisms besides smoking and self-harm, I promise I'll give you anything you want after that"

"Fine"