Back Together ~ pt 2

❤︎︎ Thirty-Three ❤︎︎

Weeks turned into months and it was finally winter break. Liliana was 16 months old and had definitely grown up. Unfortunately we couldn't go to the last race of the season because little Lils was throwing up so we didn't think it would be a good idea for her to go. The second Lando opened the door Liliana ran to the door screaming "dada!!!!". He picked her up and spun her around before cuddling her in his arms.

"Hey, sweetheart. Did you miss daddy?" He said which she nodded to. He sat down next to me and gave me a quick kiss as he put Liliana on his lap while she was still gripped to her elephant plushie.

"she hasn't let go of that plushie the whole time you've been gone and I've had to keep spraying it with your cologne so it smells like you... she's still refusing to sleep in her own room..."

"She's just being a typical stubborn little girl. I love it"

"well I've not had many updates about her having an assessment to be diagnosed so we're probably just gonna have to wait a bit longer... I mean at least we won't be waiting years on end because we're going private..."

"I know it's tough waiting, but we're doing the right thing for her. Private assessments will give us more information and help us understand what she needs better"

"as long as she can get the support she needs by the end of it..."

"She will. We'll make sure of it" he said as Liliana started to fall asleep on him. We just literally cuddled for the whole day but things got even worse at night when we tried to put her in her own room again. She literally got out of the crib and started throwing toys around and having a full on tantrum. I was gonna have a fucking tantrum. I screamed into my pillow before going into her room and putting her back in her crib. I had to be firm with her. I put her down and waited for her to finally stop crying and then she looked at me.

"Sweetheart... I know you don't like change but this change has to happen... you can't sleep with mummy and daddy forever. And you need to stop crying and throwing stuff around. Crying isn't going to get you what you want. We aren't raising you to be a spoiled brat. We spoil you but you also have to know when no means no. You can have cuddles in the day and before you go to sleep but you need to sleep in your own room" I said. I finally got her calmed down and she actually fell asleep. It was like 5am but I finally got her to sleep... Lando did literally everything for me the next day. I finally got to have a shower but even that couldn't keep Liliana away. She was so clingy and it was driving me insane. I was literally in the shower and I heard her running towards the bathroom and she managed to open the door and ran in the shower fully clothed with me while I heard Lando screaming as he ran into the bathroom.

"Liliana, come here! Mama needs her shower!" He said just before she got in the shower with me. "Liliana!! No!!" He said as he dragged her out and closed the door. I couldn't even have a peaceful shower without her being there. I couldn't handle it again. I promised that I wouldn't do it again but I got out of the shower and did a couple burns. Not as much as usual but a couple. I wrapped them up with bandages and put on my favourite bralette and some sweats with my wet hair in a bun. I went downstairs and Lando instantly noticed the bandages as I sat down in the corner of our corner couch. "Lex... did you burn yourself again...?" He said. Liliana was luckily in her little play corner so she didn't see my bandages yet. I nodded and cuddled into him.

"I tried not to but everything just got too much..."

"I know, sweetheart... but you have to spend time with Liliana... she's your little girl..."

"She's your little girl too!! I need alone time, I need alone time with you, I need alone time with Lils, I need time with both of you but there has to be certain times for that and I need an even amount of all of them"

"I know you need alone time, Lex... But remember that Liliana is still young and needs your attention too"

"she can have your attention..."

"I can't always be there for her. And she looks up to you. She wants to spend time with you, and it hurts her when she feels rejected"

"it's just driving me insane... I need alone time and I'm not getting it and it's driving me insane and it's causing me to do stuff like this"

"Lexi... please don't keep hurting yourself"

"I can't help it"

"You can. I know it's hard but you have to try. For me, for yourself and for Liliana"

"She doesn't care"

"She does care, Lexi. She may not show it in the way that you want her to, but she loves you and needs you"

"she needs me too much. it's literally like she's glued to me"

"Lexi, she's a child. She needs guidance and support, just like any other child. You're her mother, and she looks up to you"

"but why can't she just be glued to you??!!! all I ask is for one day where I can just take a breather and not feel the need to burn every part of my body at every second of the day and I can't even have that at the moment because Liliana is constantly glued to me besides when she's sleeping right next to us!!!! I'm literally fighting the urge to just run away right now!!!"

"Lex... I wish I could take all of this away from you, but I can't"

"I'm trying so fucking hard not to lose my shit right now and I'm struggling insanely..."

"I know you are... but you're gonna get through this... you always do. And I'll be right here by your side the whole time"