Back Together ~ pt 2

❤︎︎ Twenty-Eight ❤︎︎

Months felt like years... Liliana had gotten so big and I had missed the majority of it. It finally came to my last day there. It was the end of February. Lando showed me a video and I felt heartbroken but proud at the same time because the video was Liliana pointing at a photo of me shouting "mama!!! mama!!!". I was heartbroken at the fact that I had missed her first word but I was so proud that she said her first word at only about 6 and a half months old. He passed Liliana to me and then she did it again. She pointed to me and said "mama". I literally burst into tears and cuddled her in my arms... I was my little girl's first word... we always thought dada would be her first word but it wasn't... it was mama... then I saw Lando with the box that my engagement ring was in and he got on one knee again to re-enact our engagement day.

"Lexi... I know I've been an idiot... and I've messed up big time, and I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I'm begging you to give me another chance. Will you marry me?" He said. I laughed and nodded and then he dropped the ring on the floor which we both laughed at as he picked it up and put it on my finger again. My finger didn't feel naked anymore. We went home and Liliana fell asleep straight away next to me in her bedside cot. She had gotten so big... it felt so nice to be back in my bed... back next to Lando. He wrapped his arm around my waist and his hand went flat on my stomach and tears struck my eyes. I was incredibly thin. He could literally feel my ribs... "You're so thin, Lexi. Have you been eating?"

"the food was so shit there that I hardly ate. everything I got given I literally threw up. not because I wanted to but because my body hated the taste that much that it just came straight back up. I only managed to stomach the fruit"

"We'll make sure you eat healthy and good food from now on. No more throwing up" he said. I nodded and he turned me around and saw the tears in my eyes and my quivering lip. "It's okay to cry, Lex... I'm here for you... please let it out" he said as he pulled me closer to him and I burst into tears. I needed to hold him... I needed his arms around me... I needed my boy to hold me close and tell me that everything was gonna be alright...

I couldn't sleep. Everything was scaring me. When I was in the mental hospital, everything was very quiet so you could hear when people were up and about and there were no locks on the doors so I always felt unsafe. I spent a lot of nights awake because every small noise scared me and I had still been carrying that trauma when I got home. I kept whimpering and getting scared from the wind outside.

"Shh... it's just the wind outside. You're safe here with me" he said while rubbing my back. He locked our bedroom door and kept holding me close. I couldn't stop crying and whimpering throughout the whole night. Lando spent all night trying to calm me down. Anxiety attack after anxiety attack left me so tired in the day. I literally only woke up to feed Liliana and that was it. I slept all throughout the day and the next night.

We had to fly to his next race a few days after that and even the plane starting up scared me. Every small sound scared me and made me cry. I couldn't stop crying during the whole flight apart from when Liliana finally said dada for the first time. It was adorable but it only stopped me crying for about 2 minutes. I was ruined from that place.

Race day came along as I couldn't take it. Liliana was sleeping in her cot and I started burning my wrists again. I needed to. That was until Lando walked in after the race and saw what I was doing

"What the hell are you doing??" He said as he took the lighter off me. I looked at him with fear and I was shaking like crazy and blubbering.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... please don't send me back to the mental hospital"

"Lex, I'm not gonna send you back" he said while holding my shaking hands

"but I burned my wrists... I relapsed... you're gonna send me back..."