Back Together ~ pt 2

❤︎︎ Thirty-Two ❤︎︎

The next few days were the worst. We were trying to get Liliana into her own room but she literally refused to settle down and she would be screaming all throughout the night. Four hours we were laying in bed basically wanting to die.

"are we going to get her to sleep in her own room...? she's been crying nonstop for the past 4 hours..."

"I don't know... Maybe we should try to stay with her until she falls asleep. Then, gradually reduce our presence in her room until she gets used to sleeping alone"

"I already tried that and she just cries the second I move... her separation anxiety is getting really bad now and I'm scared about how bad it's getting..."

"Alright. Let's try something else then. How about we bring her into our bed for the night? Once she falls asleep, we can slowly guide her back to her own room"

"I'll try anything at this point" I said. Lando went and got Liliana and she settled down in his arms for like an hour until he took her back to her room and she started screaming again so he brought her back to our bed.

"Maybe we should just let her sleep in our bed for the night. We can try again tomorrow"

"just admit it... she's going to be sleeping in the same bed as us until she's 40... we've gotta get some professional advice on this... her separation anxiety is getting insanely bad for a newly turned 1 year old child... this isn't normal, Lan..."

"Don't worry, love. We'll find a way to help our little one" he said. Lando spent the whole night looking up stuff to help her. One of the main things was to spray a plushie with our perfumes. I just couldn't help but feel like it was more than just separation anxiety. Like it was some sort of condition or something like that...

The next day we sat down and decided to have a look at a few things that it could possibly be.

"I mean she likes to be told what's happening, she likes to have things in a certain order and a certain way, she only eats things she knows she likes, although that could just be her taking after you being a fussy eater, and she hates being away from us... I don't even know what all of that could link to..."

"It's possible she could have some signs of OCD, which stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder"

"i know what it stands for, Lan. I'm not stupid. but it could be that... I don't know..."

"It's true; we don't know for certain without professional consultation. But it could explain some of her behaviours and help us understand how to support her better"

"any other things she could have?"

"Well, she could also have signs of anxiety or sensory processing difficulties. Or it could be a combination of factors that we haven't considered yet"

"well we're definitely aware of the anxiety... anything else or is that all...?"

"We should probably talk to our doctor about getting a referral to a specialist who can help us further investigate these possibilities"

"yeah... it's just really hard to get referrals... unless you're willing to spend some of your £20 million yearly F1 driver pay on going private for her...?"

"As long as it will help her. We'll find out what's going on with her and then we'll figure out the best way to support her. You're an amazing mum, and I know you'll do whatever it takes for our daughter"

"i think I've finally realised that after all my attempts to do multiple stupid things to myself"

"good. We'll figure this out, baby... we always do" he said. We had a really long race weekend in Holland and we came back to some sort of appointment with our doctor where we could discuss different things and then it hit me... but no... surely not...? But it's in my family... fuck...

"wait... what if she's autistic...? that would explain everything... all her traits... but I've seen so many bullying stories about that... I couldn't have that happen to Lils..." I said. It all made sense... it was in my family with my cousins having it so it would make sense... "so many kids with it get bullied every day... it's in my family too... some of my cousins have it and they're always bullied for it... what if that happens to Lils when she goes to school in 3 years time if she does have it...?" I added. I could see him processing it in his head... I don't think he knew what it would mean... he never had family members with it...

"I know it's scary, but we'll be there for her every step of the way" he said after taking a deep breath.

"you're gonna stay by her side, right...? you're not gonna run away because she could be autistic, right...?" I said. Once again, I had heard of so many dads leaving their kids after finding out that their kid is autistic. I couldn't see him ever doing that but my anxiety was telling me differently.

"Never, love. No matter what challenges we face, I'll always be here for Liliana"

"It's just that I've seen a lot of things about dads leaving their kids when they find out their kid has some learning disability and I don't want you doing that to Lils... not that I think you would but like you know..."

"You should know me better than that, love. You know I would do anything for my Lils, regardless of her condition or ability"

"i know you wouldn't... it's just my anxiety talking... you know how I get like..."

"I know, love. I'm here for you too"

"I genuinely think she might be on the spectrum... i mean it makes sense with so many things, right?"

"It's certainly possible, love. But we won't know for sure until we get a professional opinion"

"I just don't know if they can tell that easily because she's only 1... we might have to wait a few years" I said. It wasn't like she was non-verbal or anything so surely it would be harder to tell, right...?

"I know, love. But there are early signs that can suggest a developmental delay or disorder. We can't wait too long. We need to get her the help she needs as soon as possible"

"yeah... we've gotta get the diagnosis and support before she starts primary school or else she's gonna struggle so much... unless we homeschool her but I feel like that will make her separation anxiety even worse"

"We can certainly consider homeschooling as an option, love. But let's start by getting the diagnosis. That way we can make an informed decision about what's best for Lils"

"i just can't help but feel like it's my fault... it's coming from my side of the family... I'm the one who's made her like this..."

"Lex, we don't even know if she is autistic or not. It's just a possibility. Don't blame yourself for anything, okay?" He said as we both looked down at Liliana on the floor of the waiting room playing with her elephant plushie... another trait...

"she's obsessed with that elephant plushie... oh god that's another trait of being on the spectrum... being obsessive over certain things..."

"Yeah, but it's actually quite cute, isn't it?"

"everything is just making sense now and I don't know if I should be upset that she's potentially neurodivergent or if I should be happy that we might get an answer about why her separation anxiety is bad and find out even more..."

"We'll take it one step at a time, love. First, we focus on getting her the help she needs, and then we can explore more about her condition together"

"i really don't know how to feel right now... is it okay that I'm not really feeling any emotions right now..?"

"It's okay to feel overwhelmed, love. This is a lot to take in. Just focus on taking care of yourself and our little one for now"

"she's going to get bullied when she goes to school in a few years time... kids are fucking evil nowadays"

"I know, love. But we can teach her how to stand up for herself and be strong. And if anyone tries to hurt her, they'll have to deal with me" he said. The doctor told us it would be best to go for an autism assessment for her and see if that answers anything. It actually kinda scared me a lot... we decided to go privately with the assessment because we knew we would be on like a 10 year waiting list... we just had to wait for answers... wait for the day when we would finally get that call...