Back Together ~ pt 2

❤︎︎ Twenty ❤︎︎

I finished up my shower and I put on a pair of Lando's boxers. They were more secure than my underwear and, well, healing from giving birth equals a lot of pads to help with bleeding. I tried to look for my favourite bralette but I couldn't find it and then I realised it was downstairs in the dryer. I snuck downstairs in hopes that Liliana wouldn't notice my tits being out but apparently being a breastfed baby gives you some sort of superpowers so you can tell when your mama has her tits out. Liliana instantly started crying out for milk and i knew she wouldn't take a bottle now because she had seen them.

"I thought I could fucking get away with it" I said with a groan

"She wants her milk, doesn't she?" He said

"yep... and she'll get fussy now she's seen my tits. she'll refuse the bottle now" I said as I walked over to the couch and started feeding Liliana. "she's more obsessed with my tits than you are"

"Well, I guess that's something we can't change about her"

"she's already obsessed with her food..."

"That's a good thing, right? Means she'll grow up strong and healthy"

"I hope..."

"Of course she will. Because you're an amazing mother"

"as if... I'm hardly a good mother"

"Don't sell yourself short, Lexi. You're doing great. Just look at her"

"What's there to look at?"

"She's healthy, happy, and obviously well-loved. That's what matters"

"I still constantly feel like I'm failing her though..."

"You're not failing her, Lexi. Sometimes being a good parent means admitting when you need help. And you can always count on me to be here for you, okay?"

"yeah... can you go get my bralette...? I've gotta put these tits away soon or our little girl will be sucking them for the rest of the night" I said which made him laugh

"Yeah, sure, baby. The white one, right?"

"Yeah, the one you got me when we were just a tinder couple, lover boy" I said with a wink

"Calm down, my mystery girl" he said with a smirk as he took Liliana from me and gave me the bralette. My absolute favourite one. We went to bed after that and Liliana wouldn't settle in her bedside cot so Lando picked her up and put her in the middle of us.

"is it safe for her to sleep in between us...?" I said

"Of course, it's safe. Babies need closeness and warmth. Plus, you know I'm always here to protect her"

"I just don't want something bad to happen. I've heard of too many stories of babies dying in like the newborn stage and i don't want anything to happen to our little Lily..."

"Hey, shh... It's going to be okay. Accidents happen, but we're taking all the necessary precautions"

"I just don't want something bad to happen to her... it scares me... the newborn stage is the cutest stage but also the scariest stage ever because one tiny problem can result in her dying out of nowhere and I honestly don't know what I would do without her now..."

"Lex, she'll be fine. We're both here to keep an eye on her"

"but what if we fall asleep and something happens... I don't want something to happen to her" I said with tears in my eyes

"Nothing is going to happen to our baby. I promise you that"

"she's just so precious... I mean just look at her little face..."

"She's adorable, isn't she?"

"she really is... she's so perfect..."

"And we're going to take care of her. Both of us. You don't have to worry about a thing"

"yeah... it just doesn't feel real to me... ever since I had one of my ovaries out I never thought I would ever have a little baby but here I am with a perfect little girl... with the guy who was my childhood best friend and now is the father to my beautiful baby girl... it just makes me so emotional"

"It's okay to feel emotional, Lex. It's a miracle that she's here with us. And I'm not just the father to her; I'm your partner in every way"

"yeah... I just love you and her so much..."

"I love you both too, Lex. And I'm here for both of you, always."

"we've gotta put her back in her cot or we might squash her in our sleep..." I said. Lando lifted her and put her in her bedside cot.

"There you go, sweetheart. Sleep tight" he said as he turned off the nightlight

"i just hope she doesn't wake up and realise that she's not in our arms..." I said before hearing her crying again. "spoke too soon... fuck!!!!" I added. Lando jumped out of bed and picked up Liliana and held her in his arms

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Mama and Dada are here" he said and Liliana instantly stopped crying.

"fucking daddy's girl..." I said as I groaned into my pillow. I fell asleep after that. Lando must have put Liliana back in her bedside cot after a while because she was peacefully sleeping in there and Lando was next to me.

The next morning I felt like shit so I went and burned my wrists. Best explanation to be honest. Lando was on the couch with Liliana. I looked at him with insane guilt and my voice cracking.

"i tried not too... I tried..." I said as I lifted my sleeves to show him the burns

"Oh, baby... what were you thinking? You could have seriously hurt yourself" he said as he held Liliana with one arm and took my arm in the other to carefully look at the burns.

"I couldn't stop myself... my brain kept telling me that I'm a shit mum with Lily and then I did this..."

"Lexi, listen to me. You are not a shit mum. You love Liliana more than anything in this world, and she knows that"

"but i always feel like I'm letting her down... I don't think I'm cut out for this..."

"You are cut out for this, Lexi. You're an amazing mum, and you need to stop beating yourself up"

"I'm not though... I'm a shit mama to her..."

"No, Lexi, you're not a shit mum. You're one of the best mums I know"

"I'm not... I'm really not..."

"Yes, you are. Now stop saying that and focus on getting better" he said as he pulled me upstairs and put Liliana in her bedside cot and then took me to the bathroom and ran a cold bath. "Get in there and soak those burns" he said. I shook my head and covered my burns with my hoodie again but he pulled my hoodie off. "You need to take care of yourself, Lexi. You can't do that with those burns exposed"

"no... I deserve this... I deserve the pain and burns..."

"That's not true, and you know it. Please, get in the bath before you do something worse" he said. I shook my head and pushed him out of the bathroom and locked the door so I could burn myself again. I heard him banging on the door. "Open this door, Lexi" he said while still banging. "Open the fucking door, Alexa!!!" He yelled. That scared me more than anything... him calling me Alexa. He stopped banging on the door after a while. I imagined he went to our bedroom to keep an eye on Liliana. I came out and Lando heard me go downstairs to the door. "Lex, where are you going...?"

"I can't look after her... I can't be a good mama to her at all..."

"You are a good mama. Look at her. She's healthy, happy, and safe with you. You're everything she needs right now" he said with Liliana in his arms

"I'm not... I can't... she deserves a better mama... Lan, you need to leave me and find her a new mama... I'll only ruin her life..."

"Don't say that... You're not ruining her life. You're giving her the best life she could ever have. You don't need to leave her; you need to be there for her"

"I can't... she deserves someone better..." I said as I left the house.