End Of Me -Matt Sturniolo-

Chapter 49

Everyone you meet is your mirror. Why is that? We come to understand ourselves best through our relationships with other people we can only be triggered by something we experienced ourselves. The traits we tend to dislike in others are usually the traits we do not like about ourselves. We then tend to judge and criticize these characteristics. When certain characteristics in someone's personality trigger a negative reaction from you, there is something within you that is coming up because it is ready to be healed. Usually it represents issues from your past that have gone unresolved. Every person we meet in life is showing up at the perfect time of our lives to reflect something we need to heal within ourselves.

The truth is, genuine connection is ease. It is peace. When you find it you will know. You will feel seen, you will feel like you are being mirrored back to yourself, like you are discovering a shadow of your own heart in another human being.

My grandma taught me these things. Her wise words stick with me through every major decision and life changing events I have conquered even since I was a little girl.

When I got the text, I cried so loudly and so much because I immediately felt so much pain in my body, pouring out.

My beloved Grandma suffered a heart attack when she got off her flight returning home to LA from Boston. She was rushed to the hospital and was under intensive care for 5 days. Nobody could get ahold of her family members until a few days after she was admitted to the ICU. Everyone who cares deeply about her flew out to LA with my parents, Ethan, and I.

My Grandma has so many people who love and care for her, more than she will ever know.

The triplets, Ash, and Eriss all came out to LA. Half to see my grandma, half to support me in this hard time.

I visited her as much as I could in those few short days. Sometimes with my parents, Sometimes with Matt, sometimes with all my friends, but mostly alone. I would sit in that room for hours on end just spending time with her. As much as the doctors would let me.

My mom asked me once in those few days how I can bear to sit beside someone when they were dying, in their final hours, without being able to save them.

Theres nothing that would get in my way to not be with her. Especially in these circumstances.

Those hospital visits will be something that sticks with me forever. I will remember the way she laughed at my jokes i've told a million times like she heard it for the first time, even though I knew deep down she didn't have the strength and energy to laugh like that. But she did it anyway for me. I will remember the last words of advice she said to me, she held my hand tightly and said to me, "We cant change the world, and a lot of the time we can't change people. No more than one bit at a time. So we do what we can to help whenever we get the chance, sweetheart. We save those we can. We do our best. Then we try to find a way to convince ourselves that that will just have to...be enough so we can live with our failures without drowning".

I couldn't help my grandma. I couldn't save the woman who sat in front of me in pain.

I would have done everything I could to keep my grandma in my life. I wished it was me in that hospital bed instead of her. She didn't deserve this exit.

She was the reason growing up was so enjoyable. I still have growing to do and I fear knowing she won't be there to help me navigate it.

My Grandma passed away last Wednesday.

She passed peacefully in her sleep after days of non stop pain and suffering.

The doctors did all they could.

Here I stand on the day of her funeral.

I thought when I came back to California there would be answers. I thought I'd discover why she pulled away.