End Of Me -Matt Sturniolo-

Chapter 28

This chapter contains mentions of anxiety and anxiety attacks

Matt's POV

The day began with whispering wind in the air. Up until now the sky was beautiful and blue, the sun shining like it was the middle of june.

I looked out the window to see people scurrying away from the rain, umbrellas covered their hurried state as people rushed inside. The moon dimly shines in the sky as thick gray clouds cover its light from hitting the earth.

I listen to the rain hitting the roof. It sounds like champagne glasses clinking with a celebration. A gust of wind rushed by as the rain intensified.

It wasn't the soft drops of spring rain we were hearing, it was like baseballs hitting the delicate roof with force.

The temperature plunged as we huddled together, shivering in front of the window siting star stuck at the sight of the storm.

"I hate this" I mumble, talking over the loud sounds of the rain but echoing in the quiet room filled by just the two of us.

"I'm sure it will be over soon" Scarlett whispers as she places her head on my shoulder, still mesmerized at the sight of the rain hitting the window.

I look down at her still in disbelief that we are trying this, trial run of being together. I can't comprehend it.

I pull my eyes off her and fixate my gaze back on the window.

The room filled with only the sounds of rain and occasional thunder. Other than that we're sitting in silence waiting for the storm to pass by.

As I sit with my legs crossed in front of me I begin to play with my shoelace, pulling it, tying it in knots, twirling it.

"Nick was telling me earlier how he wants a job with tmz so he can find Kris Jenner and ask her how she did it" Scarlett laughs, although I didn't really hear what she said. Her words become one meshed up blur as silence takes over her voice.

A slight ringing in my ear becomes more prominent as the sounds of the rain are slowly canceled out.

I hear her mumble something, I know she's talking to me but I can't hear what she's saying. This has happened before and I know what to do. It's never been with her next to me though.

I feel my muscles tighten at the thought that she has to witness this. I've only ever dealt with this on my own. I don't want her to see this. I feel my breaths become shorter.

I know I'm freaking out but there's no reason to freak out. This happens all the fucking time. The same thing every time.

Knowing as I'm freaking out that there's no reason to be freaked out, but lacking the ability to shut the emotion down.

This feels like I'm in the ocean and I can see a large wave coming towards me. I want to run from the wave but the current is pulling me back and towards the wave.

"Matt?" I can hear her a little clearer now. "Matt, talk to me, what's wrong?" She grabs my chin and forces me to meet eyes with her.

"I'm okay" I lie to calm her down.

"No I know what this is, I'm here talk to me"

I feel my breaths quicken as they get aggressively shorter.

"Hey Matt breathe. It's okay, you're going to be okay. Breathe and remind yourself of all the times in the past you've felt like this. All the times you've felt this anxious and overwhelmed. Think about how each time you made it through. You're okay just breathe" She grabs my hand and begins squeezing it tightly to let me know shes here.

Look around...

5 things I can see, the rain hitting the window, the dark gray clouds, the street light outside, the shaking trees, her.

4 things I can touch, the warm bed sheets, the glass of water sitting beside me, the pillow behind me, her hand.

3 things I can hear, The wind, the rain, her telling me to breathe.

Two things I can smell, My mom making dinner downstairs, the candle lit in the corner of the room.

One thing I can taste, dehydration.

I place the hand that's not holding hers on my chest to try and calm down my breathing but it feels like nothing is working.

Its hard to explain my anxiety to her, she gets it and she knows how bad it is but she's never witnessed how bad it can get first hand. It's hard to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason. It's hard to understand why you're having an anxiety attack while you're just sitting here looking out a window with the girl you've always wanted. It's hard for me to understand myself and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on my shoulders and I have no idea why.

I try to never let my anxiety fool me into thinking I'm not strong enough for something. To never let it fool me into thinking that I can't achieve my goals, my biggest dreams. I try to not let it convince me that I'm not loved or that there's something wrong with me. I try to think that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. I try to never let it control me.

But times like this, where I can't control it, I can't control how it controls me all those things I tell myself fade away.

"I have a good idea, let's name all the people that get on our nerves, you go first" Scarlett quietly says, forcing me to look at her.

I take a shaky gasp for air.

"Come on this should be easy, everybody annoys you" She softly laughs trying her hardest to make this all better.

I let out a deep breath as she places her other hand on my knee and uses her thumb to rub circles of comfort around my leg.

"Breathe, you got this, okay. Just keep taking deep breaths" She whispers making sure I know that she is here for me.

I listen to her and try to take deep breaths but I just feel like my lungs won't expand. She moves in closer to me before wrapping her arms tightly around me for comfort.

"Breathe Matt, you're okay" She buries her face in the crook of my neck as she rubs small circles around my back.

I take my first relatively deep breath in what feels like years with the feeling of her arms around me.

I delicately lift my arm and wrap it around her shoulders. I feel her sigh in my arms at the fact that I am aware of her support.

"It's going to be okay" She whispers, the vibrations of her voice traveling through my body and heading straight for my heart. Her words almost clear every feeling out of my body.

The wave hit me and now it feels like I am washed up on the shore, exhausted. And depleted from fighting the wave.

I don't feel alone anymore.

Just her being here for me and giving me just the right amount of support I need has helped in ways she'll never know.

She handled it so well and I will always be grateful for that because god knows what she was feeling in that moment.

Authors note
Heavy chapter:(
I thought it would be a good idea to shine light on the topic of anxiety because I have never really seen it portrayed in other fics I've read
It's an important subject to be recognised

As someone who also struggles with anxiety I wanted to say to anyone else who does that you're not alone and your feelings are valid and real.

I love you all so so so much
<3