Promise

A little pain

"Sleepover" Taesan suggests
"My mom is at my aunts place for the night so yeah why not" He smiles excitedly
"But did you ask your parents?" I ask him, we would stay at my place anyways. He says his siblings would annoy us.
And I told him I understand. My siblings would annoy me too if they were here.

"I'll tell them and get my stuff" he says going inside his home, so I open my apartment door and finally kick off my shoes. I leave the door open and sit down in the living room. So Taesan can walk in whenever he can.
And only 4 minutes later he's back.

"They were okay with it" he was now fully changed into joggers and a shirt.
"I'll get changed too, wait here" I pat down on the seat next to me.
I walk up to my room, and right now I'm thankful for not being able to Function with chaos. I clean up my room everyday. I don't even let it get messy so there's no need to clean up. I change into grey joggers and a white shirt. Unconsciously we have a partner look.

"Took you too long" Taesan says sitting comfortably on the couch
"Looks like you already made yourself feel at home" I sit next to him
"I mean I'm here almost everyday. It's basically my second home" he chuckles. Good, at least someone feels at home here.

"You also want ramen?" I throw my phone to the side
"Yeah!"
Taesan sits at the counter while I prepare the ramen
"You sure you don't need my help?" Taesan asks
I eye him from the side. Giving him a look so that he knows he'd help more if he doesn't do anything at all.
"No stay there, just tell me a story time or something" I tell him straight up
"Hmm story time? I think I told you everything already" Taesan keeps thinking
"Tell me about your first crush" I blurt out.
"I really never liked anyone" he says
"But where's the reason why you don't love anyone, is there no person you want to spend the rest of your life with? No one you imagined marrying or having a family with?" I ask him desperate for an answer. He didn't say anything. He was quiet for a moment
"There's no one" he says and looks at the noddles.
I put the chopsticks down in defeat. There's no point in trying to get something out from him.
If Taesan made up his mind to tell no one, he will tell no one.

"They're done" I pour the noddles into bowls for us.
"They're not spicy right? I can't really handle it" Taesan sniffs at the ramen
"Not really" I lie. It's not that shin ramyun is spicy. It's just that his spice tolerance is very low that even shin ramyun are spicy for him.

After eating up and a few smacks from Taesan because it really was too spicy for him we're just laying down with the tv on in the background.

"Do you think anyone knows what's gonna happen with everything" I ask him, one of the less dumb questions I have asked him today
"There must be someone" he stops
"If you believe in god there is" taesan says
"Do you believe in him?" I ask
"I'd like to think he's real, it makes me feel safe knowing that everything is the way it is for a reason. Do you believe in god?" He asks in return. But I just shake my head.
"I think everything happens for a reason. But I don't believe in god." I sigh
"I don't mind" he stares into my eyes
And just now I realise that my bestfriend Han Dongmin has one of the purest eyes I've ever looked into. Even though he went through much more than he would admit. And even though he never asks for help and always does it himself. He still has that look of cleanliness and purity in his face. And I've never been more jealous.

"I think something is wrong with me" I don't feel so well after thinking this way.
"It's like I drive everyone away, I know what you'll say now. You'll say no you'll stay" I stop for a moment
"But somehow everyone I've ever met leaves within 2 years. No ones ever stayed with me longer than that" I turn away from him. I don't know why my eyes tear. It's normal for people to leave. But I wish I was precious enough for someone to stay.
"I rejected Anton from the start because I knew he would leave too. And I proved him that I was right. I am unlovable. And anyone trying to love me will eventually give up in the end" I turn back around facing him
"And I don't think I can handle anyone leaving me again. So I leave first" Taesan looks like he wants to respond. But his look tells me he doesn't know what to say. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He must be confused too.
"There are so many people you haven't even met who will love you. And I know I can't guarantee you anything. But I will never let you leave me. And I won't leave you" he turns on his back.
"Because I don't think I can go on without you"
"You're too precious to lose" he turns to me.

"What if I push you away? What if I run away from you like I do all the time? What if I become a bad person and you don't want anything to do with me?" The thoughts consume my head and my mind spins. But I can't look at anything except for his eyes.
"I'll defeat your attempts of pushing me away. I'll chase after you wherever you go. And you could never be a bad person in my eyes. I know you Jia, I know you're not a bad person. You couldn't be a bad person even if you tried"

"I know that you do what you're doing for a reason. But don't ever be scared to open up to me Jia" it's like he put me in trance. I can't cry. I can't smile or laugh. I can turn away. But I don't want to.

"I tried my whole life explaining this to my friends. They never understood. How come you do?" I ask him confused. Because right now he shines brighter than ever in my eyes.
"They wouldn't understand even if they knew"

"I don't want to spend my life feeling like this" I say after a while. I'm not even sure if Taesan is still awake. He doesn't answer
"I'm so tired of always adjusting to everyone. I'm tired of not being comfortable to be myself around anyone. I hate that I care so much about what others think of me" I turn away from him
"It doesn't matter, people are gonna hate you regardless. You could be the nicest person in the world but someone would find something to make you look bad" he finally says.
"You worry too much" he whispers. I turn around
"You don't worry enough" I say in return.

"You know I don't open up to someone easily" he says quietly
"You're the first"
"Thank you for trusting me, really" I whisper. I don't have the energy to be loud anymore. And I'm close to falling asleep.
"It's just" he starts
"Before I met you, I thought to myself, if I died now, no one would cry for me" he looks away from me. And this sentence woke me up from my half sleep
"If you died right now. I think I would die with you" I tell him.

"I kept thinking, no one would like me if they knew the real me. And I was so afraid of opening up to you because you're my only and best friend. But you're still hanging around with me. I'm so thankful for you Han Taesan" I sob. His face a mix of confusion and shock. Taesan doesn't know how to handle someone crying. I found out a while ago. But I didn't expect him to comfort me anyway.
"Hey don't cry" he pats my shoulder. But my tears keep streaming. I dont have them under control anymore.