Promise

Wildflower

"I see him, in the back of my mind. All the time"
I feel like I build a wall between my heart and the people around me. I can't let anyone in. No matter what.

Ever since Anton confessed, I have this heavy feeling in my heart. Like I'm lying to him. I told him I liked him too. But I don't think I do it more than platonically. I know I'm a bad person for acting and giving him the feeling that we both want the same thing. But I cannot stop for some reason. I want to feel loved. But I know I cant give love to anyone.

The small kisses we give eachother on the cheek, the hugs, the nonstop flirting and the things I tell him I would never tell anyone else. We're not in a relationship. But we act like we are. I feel horrible. I'm taking advantage of his feelings towards me. I just want someone to make me feel okay. And he's the only one doing that. But I have no right to mess with his emotions this way. But I don't think I can tell him that this isn't what I want anymore. It's too late to do that. But I warned him already. I told him I'm a bad person. That I will probably never learn how to properly love someone. That he won't be able to handle my emotions when I can't control them. But he insisted. He wants to try at least. But I know it's only gonna waste his time. And his money.
He spend so much on me. I don't deserve him at all.

The bad part isn't even that I can't return his love. Or that I don't really even love him. It's that whenever we have these silly couple moments, I imagine it with Riki. Would he act the same way? Am I on his mind when he's with a girl too?
Would Riki also do that?
I'm writing this, trying so hard not to do something to myself. All these past years have been nothing but regret. I should've just killed myself that day in 7th grade. But it's not too late to do it now.

I don't understand why I return all these things. I know I don't want to have a relationship. I know I can't handle clingy people. But I still keep up with it. I figured, it may be because I'm afraid to end up alone. He's the first guy confessing to me. Maybe I just don't know how to handle the situation. I'm telling myself that I like him back. I'm trying to convince myself so hard. I feel so so bad for him. I'm just afraid he wouldn't want to be friends with me after I reject him. And I just realised I'm exactly like the girls, boys on TikTok describe. Those "all girls are the same" girls you know? And I'm not wrong. I am just like them.
But I warned him beforehand.
I'll break his heart.

I'm too afraid to lose him. And I know I'll lose him. I don't know what's gotten into me. Holding hands? Going on dates? Kissing him on the cheek? The real me would never do that. No doubt. The real me can't even talk to boys properly. The real me is still cutting. The real me is still starving. The real me is still debating on whether she should or should not kill herself.

I felt like I've healed from the time I went through a lot. But I'm still going through it. I'm not healed. I'm still broken. And he isn't what heals me. I need time for myself again. But him wanting to be on call 3 times a day makes it hard for me. I need to heal first. I need to love myself first before I can love anyone else.
There's no love in me left to give.

"And I know that you love me" I tell him, not daring to look into his eyes "you don't need to remind me" I need to put it all behind me.
His teary eyes trying to look in mine. But I can't.
"What are you saying... did you just play me the whole time" he turns back forward. This isn't what I wanted to happen. I knew he couldn't handle me friendzoning him, but I can't keep lying to him, myself and everyone around us.
"I didn't play you. I like you Anton. A lot. And I wanted to love you. So bad you don't understand. I'm not capable of doing that. I'm sorry" I try my best to explain whatever goes on inside my head. I don't understand myself.

"Why do you hate yourself so much, you can't allow yourself to love too" he grabs my arms and turns me around. I'm finally looking into his eyes. And I have this gut wrenching feeling. I had never ever made a boy cry in my entire life. This is the first time.

I can't help but cry too. "I won't blame you if you hate me now" I tell him
"How could I ever hate you" he hugs me.
I hurt him so much. I don't understand how he can still comfort me after I started this. I should've told him from the start. He's perfect. I don't know what I did in my past life to deserve a guy like this. I wish I could love him the way he loves me. "I told you from the start" I sob. "Why didn't you listen to me"

"This is bad. I made you cry so much. We shouldn't stay in contact anymore chanyoung" his eyes widen. But he stays silent.
So I leave him standing there. It's better this way. He doesn't deserve me in the first place.