The Religious & The Damaged (UNDER EDITING)

10

Joseph

  I look up from my notebook to the door and I watch as Elias walks into the room.

  His head hung low as he navigates to his desk next to me. He looks sad, dispirited.

  He doesn't try to talk to me, which is unusual. He doesn't even smile at me, and I hate how much I care.

  I hate how it makes me feel sad and unfulfilled.

  God, I'm sorry. Please forgive me, for I, have sinned.

  I hate him for making me feel this way.

  I revert my eyes back to my notebook and continue reading over Elias' notes to me, to help me understand the work.

  I haven't read them until now, and when I see the stupid smiley face he made at the end of the page, it makes my heart stupidly flutter.

  I feel as the disgust enters my mind as a smile tugs at my lips.

  Please, forgive me, God.

  The rest of class is silent between us. I don't see him for most of the day, until free period. He's in the courtyard with his friends, and he's leaned against Nick Argent's back as they exchange a cigarette and there's a textbook in Elias' lap as he smokes, but he's smiling.

  I can't help but feel relieved—until I realize he's smiling at something that Kelsey Levine said, then it feels like a part of me died.

  Why am I getting weird about that? I don't recognize myself anymore...

  I turn away and walk back into the school. The bell rings, and I head to the cafeteria. I walk in and take a seat at the usual table where I sit, alone. Elias and his friends walk in, obnoxiously laughing, and it makes my eyes roll.

  My eyes meet Elias' and he smiles at me. I look away, but I feel the heat rise to my cheeks—and god, I hate myself for it.

  I take my nail to my wrist and drag helplessly against my skin over and over again.

  Please, don't come over here. Please, don't come over here. Please-

  "Hey, Joseph."

  Crap.

  I look up, and again—we meet eyes.

  He looks happier than he did in Algebra. I wonder if I could ever make him feel better when he gets like that again.

  No. What am I saying? God, please forgive me.

  "Joseph?"

  "What?" I snap, and it's unintentional, but I don't take it back because it's just the way it has to be. It just has to be.

  "Can I sit here?" He asks, a hopeful smile on his face.

  Please.

  "No." I say, flatly.

  He cowers back, and his smile fades. "Is something the matter?" He sits anyway.