The Religious & The Damaged (UNDER EDITING)

24

Joseph

I'm sitting at my desk, working on my homework when something hits the window in front of me, and I flinch. I look up and stand from the chair, and I see Elias. I don't think he sees me because he throws another pebble, and I flinch again. I lean forward and open the window. He steps back, and I see a smile.
"Hey." He says.
I gulp. "Hey."
"So, uh," He looks around briefly. "How are we doing this?" He asks.
Right. I haven't actually thought about that.
I poke my head out and look around, and I see that the drain pipe leads all the way up past the window and it's close enough that he can climb in.
"The drain pipe."
He looks over and nods after seemingly examining it with just his eyes. "Okay."
I watch as he walks over and begins climbing up—he struggles at first but seems to get the hang of it pretty quickly. I step back when he gets close, and then he climbs in. He steps off my desk and stands upright, light pants escape him as we meet eyes. I stare at him in panic because neither of us have spoken, but I'm also very nervous because he's standing in front of me, alone with me yet again in my room.
"You okay?" He asks, and it breaks me from the trance I find myself in.
I nod a single time, and it's frantic. "Uhm.." I clear my throat and turn towards my closet. "Thirsty?"
I open the doors, and he steps beside me.
"Woah. You really like Dr. Pepper."
"Kelsey is to blame." I claim as I take two cans from the case, and I give one to him. "I have snacks too." I push over a few stacks of clothes on the top shelf to reveal various snacks.
"You really hide your junk food?"
I shrug. "My father is very strict about it."
"Is that all you eat?" I look at him. "Snacks?" He clarifies.
I close the doors and turn and place a hand on the back of my neck as I say, "Not really. Most of it expires because I don't eat it."
"And what? You just throw it away?"
I nod and sit on the bed. "Then I buy more."
"Why?" He asks, his tone perfectly showing that he doesn't get it at all, and I don't think I really do either.
He sits next to me.
"I don't know. I guess just for the sole purpose of having a purpose. No one else will be here to throw it out, so it makes me feel important somehow."
Now that I say it out loud, it sounds really sad and pathetic.
He doesn't speak, not for a while. I think that he feels the same way, but when he finally speaks again, he sounds worried.
"But you do eat, right?" He asks.
My eyes grow unfocused and my heart pounds against my chest at the sudden question.
Why is he asking me this?
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I feel like I'm about to throw up.
I gulp hard, and it hurts. I force out a light laugh and stand from the bed. "Of course I eat." I say.
I look at him, and he's staring up at me with the same worried expression.
When did this get so heavy? Why is he asking me this?
I feel this overwhelming weight on my shoulders and on my chest, but I breathe through it and sit back down next to him. I don't look at him. I just stare down.
"Look," I start, and my eyes are unfocused. "I eat, but sometimes I pay more attention to what I eat than I do other times, and sometimes I don't eat at all. It's all about how much control I need to have to- to not feel how I feel most of the time, like when my father- I-" I shut my eyes briefly in frustration and shake my head. "You know." I pause to find my train of thought. "Or if I get into a fight that day or if I get into an argument or how much I think about the things that I do and don't have control over. How much control do I need to regain? And it's why I do it." I explain, my voice shaky and full of emotion.
"Does Kelsey know?"
I shake my head. "Just you." My gaze shifts from side to side as I try to make sense of how I feel. "I feel as though I can trust you." I exhale shakily, and when I speak again, it comes out in a blurted, panicked way. "A-And I trust her, with my life, i-it's just that I.. I don't know, I guess, I-I really-"
"It's okay." He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. "You don't have to explain yourself to me, ever."
I look at him briefly before my gaze settles back onto my intertwined hands in my lap. "Yeah." I just say.
Was I about to confess my feelings for Elias?
My heart is pounding and there's this fluttering in my chest and gut wrenching feeling in my stomach, and it all makes me think that I was.
I look back up at him, and he looks at me. He smiles, and all the different feelings intensify.
"You're a good person, Elias."
He looks taken aback by what I just said, and after a few seconds, he huffs out a laugh and says, "What?"
I don't say anything because I know he heard me. I just stare back into his wide eyes—my face is probably, most definitely red from how close we are to one another, but I don't threaten him to move away this time, I just stare at him with so much admiration. His expression softens, and a smile appears on his face.
"Thank you, Joseph." He says, softly.
I lay my head against his shoulder because I desperately need the comfort, and he takes my arm into his gentle touch.
I don't ever want to leave his arms, abandon this moment—but the guilt and shame lingers inside of me, and I try my hardest to ignore it.