The Religious & The Damaged (UNDER EDITING)

43

Elias

I walk into Algebra class. I don't look back to see if Joseph's there, I just take my seat. Jillian smiles at me.
"Hi." She says.
I smile back. "Hi."
I look in front of me when the teacher begins the lesson, and I feel Jillian's eyes still on me and I look over. She noticeably blushes.
"Do you want to hang out after school?" She asks in a hushed voice.
I look in front of me briefly; Nick told me to go for it, then I think back to my conversation with Joseph yesterday. I should move on.
"Yeah. Okay." I answer.
Her smile grows, and she looks in front of her. I look forward too.

I stand at the school gate after school, my back against the pillar and my body trembles at the sudden rush of wind. I shove my hands deeper in my hoodie pocket and look over when I hear Nicks voice. His arm is wrapped around Spencer's shoulder.
"Sup, man. Ready to go?" He asks.
"Can't. I'm hanging out with Jillian." He grins and opens his mouth to say something that I think would be some sort of joke, but I'm quick to interrupt. "Fuck off." I say.
He huffs out a laugh. "Yeah, alright. Text me how it goes?"
"Sure."
"Bye, man."
He holds out his fist to me, and I smile softly as I collide my fist with his.
"Bye." I reply, and I smile over at Spencer.
He offers me a slight nod before they walk off. I look past my shoulder, toward the school and see Jillian walking towards me. I stand upright and turn. She smiles at me.
"Hey." She greets me. We begin walking alongside each other. "So, I was thinking we could hang out at my house?" She suggests.
"Okay." I reply.
Another rush of wind blows past us, and her shoulder touches mine as she leans close.
"God. I hate winter." She says in between a shiver.
I keep my hands tucked in my hoodie. "Yeah." I sound so awkward.
And it's not because I'm nervous, I just simply feel awkward about the touch of our arms, but I don't move away or bring attention to it because it doesn't really matter. I just assume it's because I'm a very awkward person in general.
"Did you have fun the other night?"
I gulp lightly, and my gaze falls to the ground. "Yeah, it was a lot of fun."
If only that was true—every time I think about it, the more depressing the night gets.
"Good."
We stop at her house and she walks through the door. I follow. I kneel to take off my shoes as she drops her backpack carelessly on the floor.
"Oh, you don't have to take off your shoes." She says, and she walks ahead.
I don't move for a brief moment before standing and following her. She tosses her coat over the banister as she walks upstairs, and we walk into her room.
Her room actually looks nice, like the kind of room you only really see on Pinterest—cool-colored and fun pillows on her queen sized bed, fairy lights, polaroid pictures and posters hung in a sort of artistic way, star shaped mirror above her dresser, and beaded curtains in her closet.
My gaze shifts over to her as she switches on the stereo—Deftones plays loud throughout the room, and she sits at her bay window to remove her shoes and she tosses them carelessly. I sit next to her and remove my shoes and place them neatly against the wall—I guess Joseph had some influence on me.
She sings quietly to herself, and I lean back against the wall—my eyes trained on her. She looks at me.
"So," She brings her legs up and turns completely towards me and crosses them over each other. "What's the deal with you and Joseph? Just a few months ago you two seemed close and then-"
"Can we not talk about that?" Her expression turns blank as I shift awkwardly. "It's kind of..." My eyes grow unfocused as I think of the right word.
I don't even understand how I fully feel about it yet.
"A sensitive topic, I guess." I sound unsure of myself, but that's all I say about it.
She seems to get the idea anyway because she nods almost instantly and says, "Sorry, I didn't mean-"
I shake my head. "It's okay."
"I tend to be nosey." I offer a reassuring smile. "Up to your falling out, I thought you two were- Shit. I'm doing it again." I let out a light laugh, and she scratches the back of her head. "I'm just gonna shut up." She says.
"No, uhm.." Another light laugh escapes me, a hint of awkwardness lingers in it, but it's diminishing. "No, it's okay."
I meet her gaze, and she's staring at me with a gentle look. I just smile. She smiles back.

I barge into Nick's room and toss my backpack on the floor as I immediately begin pacing the floor, and I speak in a frantic, confused mess.
"Okay, you told me to go for it and I did, but it.. I don't know, she seems- she's nice and funny, and maybe I like her? But it doesn't- She- I don't-" I huff and run my hands across my face. "I feel like I'm going crazy. I have no idea who I am or who I like, and it feels like, maybe, I never knew who I was before Joseph, and when I'm with Jillian, it puts everything in perspective, but I don't trust myself or anything anymore. It's starting to feel like an experiment and I didn't want that- I don't want to hurt her-"
"Holy shit, man." I look over at Spencer, and he huffs out a light laugh and looks at Nick. "Good fucking luck." He adds, and he leaves Nick's arms and moves to sit on the floor, and he begins rolling a joint.
I look to Nick, and he looks completely lost, like he's still processing it all. I wait impatiently—my heart racing in desperation.
"Okay, fuck." Nick says.
He runs a hand through his hair and moves to the end of the bed. I watch his every move in anticipation, and his gaze is directed down as he scratches the back of his head.
"Fuck, uhm," He pauses. "So you don't know if you like her or not?" He looks up, and I nod. "And you're not sure if it's just comfortability because when you were with Joseph, it was the same thing at the beginning?" I nod. "And you're scared that you'll end up liking her because it's like you're further from knowing who you are?"
I sigh in relief. "Yes." I say.
"You got all that from that mess?" Spencer comments.
Nick smiles over at him. "You kinda learn to when all he speaks is a frantic, anxious mess."
Spencer laughs.
"Uh hello, sorta freaking the fuck out here." I remark.
Nick reverts his gaze with a light laugh. "Right. Sorry, dude." He says. "Look, you're thinking too much into it. If you're with Jillian, you shouldn't be thinking about Joseph, just live in the moment and everything will start making sense."
I look to Spencer, then Nick—my brows furrowed upward as a sense of uncertainty runs through me.
I ask, "How did you know when you were gay?"
Nick's brows raise as his eyes widen briefly, like he's caught by surprise by the sudden question. "Oh, uhm," He smiles softly. "Spencer and I hung out everyday for months, and our friends would always tease us that it wasn't normal straight behavior, and I guess I hadn't thought about it. I had girlfriends before. I just thought I was asexual or demisexual because I never felt that attraction towards women. I mean, being gay wasn't even a possibility in my mind, but I literally could not stop thinking about kissing Spencer when we were together, so it was all clear then."
I can't help but smile at the gentleness of his voice as he seemingly reminisces in what he's saying.
"Do you think you're asexual?" Spencer asks, and I look at Nick from him when he speaks.
"He fucked Joseph at the party the other night."
"Shit."
"Nick."
Nick laughs. "He asked."
I huff and look at Spencer. "We didn't have sex-"
"It still counts." Nick interrupts me to say.
"And you enjoyed it?" I nod. "Then it's simple, you're not asexual, so if you eventually end up kissing her, then all your questions will be answered."
I look down with a light huff.
I hate being so confused. Sometimes I wish these feelings weren't brought out of me because then, life was a hella lot simpler.