The Religious & The Damaged (UNDER EDITING)

END

Joseph

I wake up at the feeling of my hair being pushed to the side, and I open my eyes. Elias holds a gentle smile on his face and a glass of water in his hand.
"You told me to wake you at 9." I groan lightly and sit up—my head is pounding. "How do you feel?" He asks.
"Like crap. I thought taking a nap would help." I reply, and he sits down next to me and holds out his hands.
"I figured it wouldn't, so here."
I take the water and pill from him with a thanks. I stare down into the cup once I swallow the pill and I'm reminded of last night; of what I did.
I didn't apologize this morning because I wanted to be a bit more sober and in the right mindset to be able to do it properly.
"I was a jerk last night-"
"It's okay."
I look at him, my expression serious and simultaneously apologetic. "But it's not. I pushed you and that's not okay." He smiles in a way I can't depict, but it's gentle. My brows furrow upward, a sense of regret running through me. "I don't like it when I drink either.. I turn into somebody I'm trying to forget, into a person I don't want to be anymore, but those feelings and emotions still reside inside of me." I inhale sharply. "And I hate it. It just reminds me that through all my hard work these past few months, it's ultimately for nothing because deep down I know those emotions won't ever go away. It's me. I'm him."
He shakes his head immediately at that and takes my hand into his. "You're not." He speaks clearly, but it still holds a gentleness. He continues. "You could never be like that."
I stare at him, my expression fragile now.
I want to believe him, but how I acted last night and most of high school—it's hard to.
"I have a short temper, a need of control, and I'm aggressive. I'm just like him." I say.
"You're gentle and compassionate. You care so deeply about the people in your life, you're fearless in that way." He leans forward to meet my gaze because I look away—his brows are raised. "He's the exact opposite."
I shake my head lightly. "I just.." My words trail off because I don't know how to word what I want to say; what I feel is too complicated to explain, and I think I'm still too intoxicated to find the right words.
"I don't think you realize how much you've grown." I look up. "When I met you, you were closed off to the entire world and you really only thought one way because that's how you were raised; you were raised to believe what you are is wrong. You think you were angry and aggressive, but you were just hurting and so deeply damaged."
I huff out a light laugh. "I'm still damaged."
He huffs out a laugh too, and it's just as small as mine, and he nods. "Yeah, me too, but you're not closed off anymore, and yesterday, you finally admitted to not only him but to yourself that you are gay, that's a big thing. It proves that you've grown; that you don't think that way anymore." Suddenly, I'm hit with realization—he's right. "You're friends with my friends now, and I see the way you are with Kelsey and Jillian. You have so much love to give—you're compassionate."
A smile tugs at my lips and my heart warms with great comfort because for the first time in my life, I start to realize that I'm a good person.
I should like who I am because I'm a good person. I've grown.
I simply nod and wrap my arms around his shoulders, and he falls into my chest—his arms around my torso.
I say, "I'm really going to miss you."
"I'm going to miss you too." He replies, and it's gentler than anything else he's said.
My grasp tightens, and so does his. Then, we pull away. I smile at him. He smiles back.
I've never loved anyone more than I love him; he's my everything. He makes me believe I'm worth something.

I stand outside the Ridgewell Apartments—my bag lazily on my shoulder as I stand in front of Elias and Kelsey, and my hands are shoved deep into my pockets. But I pull them out immediately when Kelsey hugs me, and they settle on the small of her back—a gentle expression on my face and a smile.
"You're gonna see me so often, you'll be so tired of me." She says once we pull away and she steps back, her expression heavy with dread and tears in her eyes.
My smile grows, and it's full of lighthearted amusement. She steps back. My gaze shifts over to Elias, and he steps forward.
"When we were at the store, I got something."
I furrow my brows in slight confusion. His cheeks are bright red as he reaches a shaky hand into his pocket and holds it out to me, and in his hand is a ring—it's a simple silver band with some kind of design. My expression softens. I glance at his other hand and notice the exact same ring, beyond all his other rings, and my smile tugs further as my gaze falls back to his held out hand and I take the ring.
And when he speaks again, his voice is wobbly—he's obviously very nervous, and I can't help but smile and admire him.
"..I-It's a promise ring. You're moving, and I wanted to give you something that reminds you that I'll always be here.." He gestures at me; his gaze unfocused. "For you."
My gaze falls to the ring in admiration, a heavy sense of warmth and love in my chest, and a fluttering sensation in my stomach.
"I-I just love you a lot." He laughs, and it's nervous. "Fuck. It's stupid, isn't it?"
I look up and shake my head. "No." I speak softly, and put the ring on my middle finger. "It's not." I tug him into a hug by his sweater, and he hugs me back—his hands planted on my back and head deep into my shoulder. "I love you." I say, and it's more of a whisper; it holds a pain to it.
"I love you too..." He replies, and he sounds just as hurt—but I know he's happy for me.
We hug for a very long time, and his grip is tight on the back of my shirt—the warm spring breeze brushing by us; the silence is loud and heavy with dread. We don't want to let go.
But I finally pull away and glance at the both of them; they share the same look.
"I love both of you." I say, a lighthearted laugh somewhere in between my words.
Kelsey smiles. "Love you too, idiot."
I look at Elias. He hasn't looked away. My smile doesn't falter, and his grows.
Bethany honks the horn, then her voice follows. "I'm really sorry, but we have to go now if we want to be back before night."
I nod back at her, then look back at the two so I can smile at them one last time before I turn and walk to the car. Bethany smiles at me sympathetically before pulling her head back into the car, and I get in. I buckle my seatbelt and look over at Bethany.
"Ready?" She asks, her expression gentle.
I nod, and she smiles and looks forward. I look down as I tug out my phone and AirPods from my front pant pocket, and I take a moment to put them into my ear and play Francis Forever, and after dropping my phone in my lap, I look back at Kelsey and Elias through the back windshield.
They still hold the same hurt, gentle expressions on their faces, but I know they know everything will be okay. I'm damaged, but this is my new beginning—I'll be okay.