The Religious & The Damaged (UNDER EDITING)

39

Couple months later...

Elias

I walk alongside Nick as we walk to school—the winter air stinging my skin as I tuck my hands deep into my coat pockets.
"Remind me why we couldn't take the bus?" Nick asks. I look over at him briefly—my expression serious. He hums. "Ah, right. How could I forget? You're avoiding Joseph still."
"You're the one that told me to let him go, and it's hard to see him everyday enough."
He pats me on the back, a light laugh escaping him as he says, "I'm just giving you shit, man." I don't respond. "He's rarely at school anymore, anyway."
Joseph has been skipping school a lot, and I know his dad has something to do with it, it's obvious. But I told myself I wouldn't get involved anymore. I still worry and I still care, but he doesn't want me to get involved.
"I can't do much for him anymore." I say.
"Wow."
I look over at him. "What?"
"Nothing, I just never thought I'd hear you say that."
I look in front of me as we walk into the school, and I unzip my coat.
I don't say anything to that because I frankly don't know how to, and he already knows how I feel—I'm tired and I miss him, and I hate that I miss him. He doesn't care about me anymore, and I hate that I still care. It's been two months and none of my love and care for him has left, and I hate it. Nick already knows all that because he cares. I don't have to try.
I close my locker and follow Nick down the hall. I push my way through some kids and he pushes open a door to an empty stairwell, which is rarely used, and Spencer and Joey look over from the window—it's too cold to sit outside like we usually do, so we have been using this stairwell to hang out before class.
"No Kelsey?" Nick asks.
"Nah, she's home sick again." Joey answers, and Nick takes the cigarette from them.
"She's been sick a lot, hasn't she?" Nick questions, and Spencer shrugs.
"Probably just the flu. I've had it at least twice already." He replies.
Nick hands me the cigarette, and I take it.
"You're the biggest baby when you're sick."
Spencer scoffs at Nick. "Okay. That's rude."
Nick laughs. I take a drag of the cigarette.
I don't join in on the conversation because I see no reason to. Though, I stay because I'm dreading first period—if Joseph will be there, anyway.
The bell rings. I sigh and hand the cigarette to Nick as I walk ahead, up the stairs.
I guess it wouldn't have mattered if I left.
We ascend the hallway, and I wave back at my friends before I enter my class. I take my seat, and Jillian smiles over at me.
"Hey, did you do the homework last night?" She asks, a look of uncertainty on her face.
I look back at Joseph's desk briefly—he's not here. I nod lightly.
"Uhh.. yeah." I reply.
"Can I copy it?" I stare at her for a short moment before I nod and turn to reach down into my bag. "Ugh. You're a lifesaver."
I sit upright and turn back towards her. "No problem." I say, and I hand her my homework.
She immediately begins copying it—my paper placed next to hers. My gaze shifts over to the door for some reason, and I see Joseph. He looks at me, and I look at him.
He looks like shit. He looks tired, and his face is covered in bruises and swelling. He looks out of it, like he's just a shell of a body—he's empty and emotionless.
I gulp hard and look in front of me. My eyes dart around the desk, but I look at Jillian when she speaks again.
"So, I'm having a party tonight and you should come, if you want."
I regain my composure and say, "Parties aren't really my thing."
"Awe, come on. It'll be fun." She grins. "Don't you need a break from life?"
I'm taken aback because you never hear anyone ask that question in real life, and I'm suddenly aware how much I do.
I look down. "..I don't really drink."
"Then don't drink. You don't have to drink to have fun, and you can invite whoever you want."
"Fine, yeah. I'll come."
She smiles over at me and holds out my homework to me. "Great."
I take it and place it in front of me. I turn wordlessly and look up as the teacher walks in.
I could use one night without worrying about Joseph, maybe a party is what I need.

After lunch, I leave the cafeteria, and I turn to Nick and the others.
I say, "I was invited to a party by Jillian, and she told me I could invite whoever, so would you guys wanna come?"
"Sure." Spencer replies.
"Hell yeah!" Joey adds.
I look to Nick, and he's grinning at me in a sort of suggestive way. I furrow my brows.
"What?"
He shakes his head and shrugs, then looks away. "Nothing. Nothing."
My brows furrow further, and I grow very curious, but I don't say anything else. I look in front of me.

I walk into Jillian's house, where the music blared and fellow kids from school flooded the house and out in the front—some already shitfaced, laid out on the grass or being pulled out by friends or being obnoxiously loud. I push my way into the house; Nick next to me, and the others behind me.
"Holy shit. Did she invite the whole fucking school?" Nick remarks, his voice loud over the noise.
"I mean, she is really fucking popular." Spencer replies, mocking Nick's use of the word: fucking.
I grin over as Nick glares back at Spencer in a playful way, and my attention shifts in an instinctive manner as arms wrap around my neck and I'm forced into an hug.
"Hi! You made it!"
They lean back, and I meet eyes with Jillian. I smile.
"Yeah." I shout over the music. She just grins widely, and she seems a bit skittish. "Shit. You're so wasted right now." I comment.
She scoffs. "Am not."
I can't help but laugh lightly at the slurring of her words, and I place a hand on her shoulder. "Alright, let's maybe sober up a bit, huh? Before we're sick?"
I lead her away, and I look back at the others. Nick grins suggestively at me, but I flip him off and turn back.
He gave me the same look earlier too, and I don't really know what he thinks will or is happening, but he means well, so I don't take it as serious as I probably should.
I let go of Jillian as I enter the kitchen—which is surprisingly empty, and I grab a cup from the counter and take a quick glance inside it before I fill it with water. I turn and hand the cup to her. She takes it. I lean back against the counter as she drinks it.
"Mm.. that was good."
I huff out a short laugh and take the cup from her. "More?"
She nods. I turn and fill it with more water.
"Your friend showed up a bit ago."
I turn. "What friend?" I ask, and I hand the cup back to her.
She drinks some before answering. She says, "The blonde one with the bruises."
My heart drops and I shift uncomfortably. "Oh." I say.
She glances up at me from inside the cup, and her hand drops. "Shit. Should I have not said anything?" She asks, seemingly noticing my reaction.
I'm quick to stand upright and shake my head. "No. It's fine."
"I just thought you two were friends-"
"Yes- I mean, we were, but not.." I look away briefly. "Not anymore."
"I'm sorry."
I laugh nervously. "No, don't apologize. I'm over it, really." My eyes grow unfocused as she doesn't respond, and I say, "I'm gonna go find my friends."
I point somewhere indeterminable behind her as I step forward, and she turns as I walk past her, and her mouth is open to say something else, but I turn and disappear in the crowd. My heart is racing.
He's here, and the rush of anxiety runs through me like it's September and I'm meeting him for the first time again. I don't want to see him, but I do at the same time.
I push my way through the crowd of dancing kids—dancing was never my thing.
And I feel a hand grab me and pull me into an empty space in the room.
"So?"
I look up at Nick, and he lets me go. "So?"
He shoots me a serious look. "Come on, dude, even you can't be that blind." I furrow my brows. He scoffs and takes my shoulders into his hands. "She's fucking into you, man."
"Jillian?" He nods, a slight grin of disbelief on his face. I huff and look towards the kitchen. "I'm.. I don't think I.." I sigh.
He groans. "You have to get over Joseph."
"It's not that." I look at him, and his expression changes, like he's intrigued. I shake my head a single time and shrug. "How do I know?" I ask.
He furrows his brows. "That you like her?"
"I've only ever liked Joseph, and I was too busy before that to even have the time or energy to like anybody else, so how do I know if I'm, like.. gay or bi?"
"You just have to go for it, man." He says in between a laugh. My expression doesn't falter from its distressed state. "It's been two months since you and Joseph broke up, and you deserve to feel fucking happy. I know you, and you haven't been since then."
I look back towards the kitchen. "But what if I end up not being bi?" I revert my gaze. "I don't want to hurt her and I don't want her to be an experiment, I just.."
I sigh and look down.
"Let her come to you, and if it feels right, go for it."
I look up. I process his words before nodding, and I say, "Yeah." He smiles. "Okay."