The Religious & The Damaged (UNDER EDITING)

37

Elias

I watch as Joseph walks away.
He doesn't want me to know. What does that mean? Has something bigger happened that I can't possibly imagine? These questions weigh on me, and the possible answers eat at my heart, leaving me to feel scared—so, so scared. But he doesn't want me to get involved, so I'll respect his decision and leave him alone—and admitting that hurts; it feels like my heart has shattered into a million pieces and I think I might faint. But I want to respect him, and I will.

I go to Nick's after school, and on the tv is Courage the Cowardly Dog. I don't pay much attention because all I can think about is Joseph- well, worry more than think.
"You alright, man?" Nick asks, and I feel him nudge at my back.
"Yeah." I answer, flatly.
"Come on, man. Don't give me that bs."
I sigh.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone about this, and obviously I trust Nick.
"I talked to Joseph, sort of." I say. "And something he said has stuck with me ever since he said it."
"What's that?" He asks.
"Something bad happened that he doesn't want me to know about, and he said that if I knew, that I wouldn't look at him the same."
"What, like, he cheated or something?"
I huff lightly. "No, he wouldn't." I pause, and my eyes grow unfocused as I think back. "He looked- I don't know, it was almost like he was scared of me or something."
"I mean, that would make sense if his dad hits him."
I shake my head. "He's never been scared of me before, and he seemed so desperate for.." I shake my head again a single time. "Something, I..I don't know."
My brain feels like it's going to explode as I try to make sense of literally everything—like it's driving me insane not knowing.
"It just feels bigger than just being hit by his dad." I finish.
Nick doesn't respond for a long while, like he's processing it all. Then, he finally says, "You can't fix everything, man." I look back at him from where I sit on the floor. "If he doesn't want you to know, you can't force him to tell you anything, it's an invasion of his privacy and it wouldn't be respecting his boundaries. I get you care and you want to help him, but he doesn't want you to know."
He's right. I need to respect his boundaries, and I haven't been doing that. I need to let this go. I have to realize that this can't be like before; it's obviously bigger, and it's bigger than me.

The next day at school, I walk inside from the courtyard with my friends and I wave to them before walking into my class. I make eye contact with Joseph, and we seemingly look away at the same time. I walk further into the room but stop when the teacher speaks.
"Elias, I've moved you next to Jillian after your little altercation yesterday with Joseph."
"Yes, ma'am."
I turn away and take my new seat in the front row—a blonde girl whose name is Jillian is doodling in her notebook as she chews gum.
She smiles half-heartedly at me, and I return the gesture and look back at Joseph.
He's staring down as he tugs at the sleeve of his sweater seemingly subconsciously.
I can't help but wonder why, but I immediately snap myself out of it. He doesn't want me to know. He doesn't want me around anymore...
I turn back in front of me and look up at the teacher.
I have to let him go.

At lunch, I'm sitting with my friends, and I catch myself staring over at Joseph as he sits at his empty table—no food in front of him.
Why is it so hard to let him go? He looks as if he doesn't care, like I'm not a single thought in his mind, and as much as that hurts to realize—I still can't hate him. I could never hate him. As much as I tell myself to let him go, I know in my heart that it's not possible. I just can't.
"Lias." I look over at the sound of Nick's voice. He continues. "You good? You keep looking over at Joseph's table." He asks.
I look down. "Yeah, just.." I shake my head a single time. "I'm finding it hard to simply let him go." I say.
"Well, that makes sense if you guys spent as much time as you did with each other. I know you like him a lot, it's obvious." I just nod, and he takes my shoulder. "The more I get to know you, the more I notice how hard you are on yourself." I gulp hard. "You shouldn't be hard on yourself, man."
"It's hard not to be when I spent my whole life with the burden to help everyone around me."
"You're a people pleaser. You need to help yourself or else you'll just get hurt."
It hits me suddenly—he's right. After how I lived the last couple months of my life with taking care of my mom and my dad and for a short period of time, Joseph; it has altered my brain into this state of always looking out for everyone else and not myself. How can I just stop being that way?
"Yeah..." I reply.