The Religious & The Damaged (UNDER EDITING)

47

Elias

I walk into school, Joseph and Nick on each side of me and we descend the hall.
"So, you two are like roomies now?" Nick teases, an amused smile on his face.
I narrow my eyes at him, but it's playful. "Nick."
He lets out a short laugh, and we enter the stairwell to the others. They look over.
"Holy shit. It's Olsson." Spencer's the first to speak.
"You owe me 10 bucks." Joey says, nudging at Spencer's arm.
"Uh uh. The bet was if they were back together." He looks to us, and my eyes widen at the sudden attention. "Are you guys back together?" He asks.
Joseph stammers, and I blush as my gaze shifts between the two and Joseph, then I look at the floor, an awkward smile spread across my lips.
"Dude." Kelsey speaks.
"What? We have to sort out our bet."
"Our relationship isn't something you can bet on." Joseph retorts, and I look up at him—his expression heavy with annoyance.
"Yeah. Come on, man." Nick joins in.
Spencer scoffs. "Alright, alright. Geez. Cool your fucking tits."
He lets out a nervous laugh and I assume it's only because of Nick's reaction because I know he's not afraid of Joseph, and it makes me laugh a little.

As Joseph and I walk to our class, he suddenly breaks the intense silence between us; tension radiating from his body.
"I wish you wouldn't have told your friends about us." He says, his voice low as to not let anyone hear, but I think he's also annoyed.
I look at the floor from him, and I feel his gaze on me in that moment. "I didn't have anyone to talk to about what I was going through, and they were there for me." My voice is small compared to his, but that's only because I'm nervous.
There's a long pause before he says, "Okay, but can you at least keep what happens between us from now on between us?"
I look up at him. "And what are we exactly?" He looks down, and now he's the nervous one between us, though I'm still very nervous. "We haven't really talked about that." I add.
I watch as his eyes dart around the area in front of him, like the sudden question triggered something inside of him and I feel bad. I open my mouth to speak again, but he interrupts me.
"I'm relearning a lot right now, and also dealing with this new burden because of my father, so I thought we'd just go slow."
I nod instantaneously, and he looks down at me. "Right. Of course."
He seemingly forces a smile. "I'm sorry."
"No. No, don't apologize, I-" My gaze shifts between his eyes, and my heart pounds against my chest. "I promise to keep what happens between us, between us."
His smile turns sincere. "Thank you."
I nod, and we walk into our class. He walks to his desk, and I sit at mine. I look at Jillian, and she's staring down as she writes half-heartedly. Guilt settles in my chest, and it's an awful feeling.
"Hey," I start. "Are you okay?" I realize that's a stupid question to ask because what the fuck do you think, but she doesn't call me out on it—in fact, she doesn't say anything at all. I gulp hard. "I-I'm sorry about yesterday..."
Again, she doesn't speak. It's clear she wants to be left alone, so I turn forward.
Though, the guilt only grows, but I can't do anything about it. I deserve to feel bad for how I treated her. She should hate me.

About an hour after school lets out, I walk through the door of the apartment with Joseph behind me, and I look around for my dad because I still haven't been able to talk to him about Joseph staying yet, but he's nowhere in sight, so we just go to my room and settle on the floor—opposite of each other as we begin working on our homework in comfortable silence. I struggle to focus because my minds on Jillian.
I want to make amends with her because she honestly deserves better—she's sweet and so high-spirited, and I feel like I just crushed her. I want her to know why I rejected her, maybe that'll make her feel better about herself.
"Lias?" I look up at Joseph with a hum, my expression probably blank. "Can you help me with this question?" He asks.
I stare at him because I'm processing the question, then I nod and move next to him. I look over his shoulder at the question he has blank on the Algebra homework, and I sort of stare at it for a while because I seriously can't concentrate.
"Elias?"
"Yeah, uhm.. you just gotta.. uhm.." I stammer as I struggle to make sense of what I'm trying to say.
"Are you okay?"
My gaze meets his briefly, and I look back down at the paper. "Yeah, sorry. I'm just a little distracted right now. Just give me a minute."
"What's wrong?" He asks instead, and I sigh.
"I was just thinking about Jillian." I say.
"Oh."
I look up. "What?"
"Nothing." He pauses, and his eyes leave mine. "What was that about anyway?"
I sigh and look back down. I say, "My attempt to move on, but I just didn't really feel it with her.. I guess."
"You guess?"
"No, I didn't. I didn't know who I was and I sort of used her to find out, and she kissed me and I just knew that I didn't like her."
"Do you know now?"
I look up at him, my expression softening as I nod. "Yeah." I reply. He smiles, and I revert my gaze again. "I was just thinking how I should apologize to her and explain that I'm gay to, I don't know, to let her know that it had nothing to do with her." I add.
There's a short pause. "I think you just have to say it." He says. "I mean, obviously I'm not the one to ask when I can't even say the words, but you know, I have my fair share of apologies and if I can do it, then so can you." I smile up at him as he continues. "And you shouldn't turn yourself into this villain when you were just a confused teen trying to sort out his feelings. I know you didn't mean to hurt her intentionally and I'm sure she'll understand that."
I huff out a laugh. "You sound like Kelsey."
"Yeah, well, she shoves self love advice down my throat at every opportunity she gets."
I laugh again, and so does he.