The Religious & The Damaged (UNDER EDITING)

17

Elias

  I'm sitting in Nick's room, my back against the end of his bed and a cigarette in between my fingers as I stare down at the textbook in my lap and I work out a problem as Nick speaks to me.

  "What was up with you today?" He asks suddenly, his mouth audibly full.

  "Nothing."

  "Come on, man. I know you better than that." He says. "You don't have to pretend nothings going on with you."

  I sigh and drop my pencil. "It's.. complicated."

  "More complicated than you wanting to be friends with Joseph?" He attempts to lighten the mood, so I feel more comfortable, but it only makes me feel more like I shouldn't talk to him about this.

  I refrain from that temptation because I want to be able to talk to Nick and my other friends about him without worrying so much.

  I sigh again. "Well, it's kinda about Joseph."

  There's a long pause, and I think he's waiting for me to continue, so I do.

  "I saw him and Kelsey together in the hall and it made me feel sad, like I wished it was me with him and not her." I explain. "And I can't stop thinking about it."

  He doesn't speak.

  "A part of me thinks it's only because I saw how easy it was for them to get along, and I've had to walk on eggshells around him to make any sort of progress."

  "And the other part?" He finally speaks.

  My eyes grow unfocused as my heart races at his question and the answer that comes out of my mouth next.

  "I was jealous." I say. "A different jealous."

  I feel the bed shift against my back, but I don't look back. I bring the cigarette to my lips and take a long drag as I try to steady my heart, but my efforts are proven futile.

  I'm too engrossed in the realization of it all.

  "I'm still trying to understand where this all came from." I add.

  "Damn, man." He says, and it's breathy.

  I only nod because I have nothing more to say.

  I don't understand any of this or where it came from or how long it's actually been there, just waiting to reveal itself.

  I don't even know if what I feel is what I feel, it could just be the stupid and selfish alternative.

  But the circulating question of if I was jealous of Kelsey should really be answer enough to make sense of the real reason.

  I break from my trance when my phone buzzes below me. I look down as I lift myself off the floor just enough to get my phone from my back pocket, and I sit back down.

  It's a text from Kelsey.

  Joseph was just taken to the hospital. Meet you there? 5:01pm.