TILL INFINITIES END

23. AARUSHI

"Mrs. Mehta fell from the stairs. she says she has really bad pain. they're getting her here in sometime. we need you." Rachit said.

Shit. I got up from the chair and said "I'll be there in thirty minutes. stabilize her and when i reach I need reports for every section of her uterus and the foetus."

I was about to go to the room where I paused. shit, again. I had to go to the gathering Varun's brother had planned. He must be getting ready in the room. BUT MY DUTY CALLED ME.

I knew I had to inform Varun about this emergency and tell him that I won't be able to join. This wasn't the first time my responsibilities were clashing with my personal commitments, but today, it felt so draining, especially after what has been happening since past few months between me and him- that to go and inform him about this last minute cancelling felt like it invited a huge fight in itself. 

Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I walked into the bedroom where he was getting ready. i looked at him, casually scrolling through his phone and barely even looking up as I entered.

He doesn't care if I join or not.

"Varun," I said, "I just got a call from the clinic. There's an emergency, and I need to go. I won't be able to make it to the gathering today."

I said and without looking at him quickly went to the drawer to get my car keys.

He looked at me for a second and then glued to his phone again. he released a hollow laugh "of course, you don't, Dr. Aarushi." he muttered below his breath.

I was in no mood to get trigger but this really irritated me. "What's this supposed to mean?"

He sighed, and put his phone down closing his eyes. "It means Dr. Aarushi that you are always too busy for anything. And anyway, why would you even care for my family? it's MY brother's gathering, you of course need to work first. and I don't even want to talk anything. go."

My frustration was surging within. "what the hell, Varun? It's my job. Lives depend on me. Maybe you should try understanding that instead of acting like everything that you do is right and what I do is selfish."

He rolled his eyes, finally meeting his eyes with mine. "Oh, sorry sorry, I forgot, you have lives to save...it's all about your precious work! But just think- what about our lives?"

I felt my cheeks flush with anger. "You know how important they are to me. AND DON'T YOU DARE SAY I DON'T CARE- because I have tried every possible way to fucking save it- okay?? But sometimes, things happen that are beyond our control. Maybe you should stop acting like I choose to neglect you or us."

He leaned back on the bed frame, crossing his arms, "Yes, sorry I forgot. It's always your work, your patients, your needs. I totally get it. There's no space for us."

I smash the key at the table and took a step closer, with irritation penetrating over me, "Us? When was the last time you even tried to understand what I'm going through? I'm juggling so much, and all you do is complain about being left out. Tell me, didn't I try to talk? to solve? you just seem so disinterested."

His eyes showed anger, "Maybe if you actually made time for me when you had to, we wouldn't be in this mess. But no, you were always too busy saving someone else's life to notice what's happening in ours, since so long!"

"That's not fair, Varun. look at your words. Maybe you should try supporting me instead of constantly blaming me down."

"Supporting you? By letting you handle everything on your own...to save lives and take the credit while I'm left to pick up the pieces or our shedded marriage? No, Aarushi. I'm tired of working on your terms and convenience."

I was really pissed now, "Oh, so now it's my fault? Maybe if you actually communicated the hundred times I tried to talk instead of shutting me out then, things wouldn't be this bad!"

He raised his voice "Communicated? You think I don't try? You think I don't want to talk to you, but every time I do, it turns into a fight! Maybe if you weren't so consumed with your work and your constant need to be right, we could actually have a conversation."

I clench my hands, struggling to keep myself calm. "This isn't about being right, Varun. It's about feeling neglected. Maybe you should consider that instead of always making everything about you."

"You think I don't appreciate everything you do? Maybe I don't see it the way you want me to, because now we are two different people Aarushi. But that doesn't mean I don't care!"

I took a deep breath, "Maybe you should try caring a little more. Because right now, it feels like I'm the only one who's invested in this marriage, and to save it. you're speaking as if you want the end of it."

He shook his head, "okay then. Maybe I've given up, Aarushi. Maybe this isn't worth fighting for anymore."

What? no no no no.

The words hung in the room, making my heart drop and throat dry, "What are you saying, Varun?"

He looked away, eyes distant. "I'm saying maybe it's time we accept that we're not meant to be together. Maybe we need to face the fact that this marriage is so broken."

Is the earth below my feet slipping?

Tears welled up in my eyes, "Is that what you really think? After everything we've been through?"

He finally looked at me- cold and resigned. 

"Maybe we've been fooling ourselves, especially you; thinking we could fix something that's already not worth the repair. I did see it coming since a long time."

I was feeling too many emotions to particularize one of them. my heartbeat was dropping. "You really think it's that easy? Just walk away because things got tough?"

He shook his head slowly. "I'm tired, Aarushi. SERIOUSLY, TIRED. Tired of the constant fighting, the feeling of being ignored. Maybe it's time we stop trying to fix something that's already SO broken."

I took a step back, feeling the weight of his words, "I can't believe you're saying this. After everything, you're just going to give up? we've been together since childhood, Varun."

Pain touched his face, "I don't know what else to do, Aarushi. We've tried, but nothing's changed. Maybe it's time to.... let go."

i can't believe he was saying this. really? Vaarushi? over? I can imagine to what level he was ignorant that he felt this was the only option left. so I guess....there's no point in even bringing him back, or explain.... if he is then even I am done holding on to something that was already lost.

Ai bitter laugh, and pick my key with trembling hand "Fine. If that's what you want, then maybe we're done. Maybe it's time I stop trying to fix something that you've already given up on."

He couldn't look at me, "If that's what you want, Aarushi."

I felt a tear reach down my cheek, but I wiped it away quickly, refusing to show weakness. "I won't try anymore, Varun.... I won't put in the effort if you're not going to meet me halfway....go, i release you." 

Without another word, I turned and walked out of the room. this did not just happen, no. As I left the house, the weight of our failed marriage made it's way to my head, suffocating me all through my way to the car. seriously? is he the same Varun I wrote poems for? the one i prayed for? why did he give up? why?