TILL INFINITIES END

47. TIA

This still feels unreal, that Sam is gone. For a few moments, I keep my feelings aside, and it still hits me hard, after all... he was my best friend! No one has ever understood me the way he has. I lay on my stomach, with my back facing the ceiling, and my head buried in my pillow, which is wet. I am silently crying, trying my best to get as normal as I can. But it's not happening. I miss him the same. The feeling I got while raising my hand to wave him a final bye, is still fresh, cutting every bit of my heart into pieces.

My phone buzzes, and I cut it, again. Myra has called me at least 20 times in the past one hour. But I am in no condition to talk to anyone. What would I talk about? That I had to let go of my best friend, who was also the guy I love without confessing? That I took this decision of not telling him and now it's me who's hurting? That just for the sake of his well-being I am paying the cost of tears? Tell me, has this been fair? No really, has life been fair to me? Is this what I deserve in return to my self-less love for that guy? Seriously? Can god do this to me?

Everyone talks about letting people go, but nobody really talks about the grief that comes with having to stand firm on that decision, knowing it's not what you wanted, but it's necessary for your loved one's well-being. Sam, how did I love you so much that I can put myself through this, just so that you can be the same, even when I myself am not?

I could hear the door of the main entrance opening, and that made me look at the clock. It's almost 2 in the afternoon. It must be Vyom, because this is his normal time to come home from school. I love his life, no stress, no issues, just wake up, get ready, go to school, play, come home, eat, do the homework, play again, eat again, sleep, and repeat. Vyom, don't grow up, stay this little baby you are. The world is not fair...life, is not fair. I want to tell this to him. I never want anyone to go through this phase I'm going through, especially not Vyom. Though I keep saying that I hate him, he's still my most favorite person to hate and I don't want to see him suffer.

'Tia? Can I come in?' I hear a knock at my door.

What?

It startles me, and I again look at the clock. It's 2, which leaves me shocked to hear the voice behind the door.

'Papa?' I ask, more in confusion. What is he doing here at two in the afternoon?

'Yes. Can I come in?' he asks again, with his voice making me fumble.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck...what is he doing here?? What if he sees me crying? Of course he is!!!

'2 minutes.' I say as I get aware that there's a real world apart from my thoughts, which I need to consider and enter into.

'Take your time.' He politely says. My parents have always respected my privacy and I love them for that.

I quickly get up, and try to come back from the world of thoughts. My stupid brain has shut down. My head pains, but I have to stay composed in front of him.

I rub the wet face with my hands, blow my nose in the handkerchief, push my hair behind my ears and look in the mirror. Shit, I've cried a lot. My nose is all pink and my eyes are swollen. Dad would be very hurt to see me in this condition. I didn't' want to see him, But he's standing outside the door, I have to answer it.

As I take feeble steps towards the knob, I tell myself.

Tia, no crying in front of him. just stay calm, keep smiling, he should not get hurt. Clear? No crying!

I sigh and open the door, coming face to face with him. He looks at me. A lot of pain and tension covers him as soon as he sees the condition of my face. I pass a fake smile. I'm smiling at him but he knows it's fake. He knows... I'm hurting,