TILL INFINITIES END

25. AARUSHI

I was arranging the plates, when I heard the main door open.

"Papa!" Tia called out, and I knew she must be hugging Varun tightly.

I stood there in the kitchen, my mind still thinking about the last conversation Varun and I had. Divorce. that word gave me a deep cut, something which was not healing. we hadn't spoken since about this topic. it still hurts to know that things changed...how, I don't know. but they did, in the most unexpected way. how hurting it would be for kids to know about this separation? The thought of breaking their hearts was unbearable for me as their mother. 

I pushed away the thoughts because this was Tia's day, and I can't let it get affected by our issues. I began setting the table, trying to focus on arranging the plates, trying to turn down the ache in my chest.

I looked at Tia sitting on the sofa with her father, talking to him about the day- which made me smile. Despite everything, Tia's happiness was still so pure, so untouched by the troubles that Varun and I were going through. I wanted to protect her and Vyom's world safe, even as mine was shattering down. 

"Come on everyone. dinner's ready! Wash off your hands and come fast!" I tried to sound cheerful and went in the kitchen to bring the food. I heard Vyom open his door and rush to the sink. 

I can hear Varun's voice coming from the living room, "Tia, guess what? I got your favorite jalebi and rabdi to celebrate your results!"

I felt a pang in my chest. there was a time when Varun knew that I hate this over sweet combination of jalebi and rabdi. He used to pay attention to the little things, the details that made me feel...seen and loved. But now, it looked like those days were...just gone.

He walked into the kitchen, and without looking at me, he dropped a plastic bag on the counter, "Uhh...Serve these with dinner," he said it in a flat tone and headed back to the living room to be with the kids.

I tilt my head and stare at the bag, feeling a strange feeling in my gut. It hurt that he didn't even talk to me after that day, or initiate a conversation, or didn't care enough to notice the hurt. 

of course Aarushi, husbands who care, never mention divorces. 

As we sat down for dinner, I noticed how easily Varun could get into role of a loving father, laughing with Tia and Vyom, making sure they don't feel the tension between our relations. I forced myself to smile, to join him in all this. 

I served dinner to everyone, serving the meal along with the sweet. Vyom noticed i didn't take the sweet along with the meal.

He quickly asked, "mumma? why are you not having jalebi and rabdi?" 

I simply said, "I don't really like it, Vyom. You enjoy it for me, okay?" I tried to keep my voice light.

Varun didn't say anything, just gave me one quick glance and got back to the food and making kids laugh. And I realized that he was doing the same thing I was—hiding our issues, pretending everything was fine for Tia and Vyom.

After dinner, kids watched tv, and I washed the dishes, the thoughts of how things used to be kept coming back. The memories kept coming in—our first day in this house, bringing Tia home as a newborn, bringing Vyom for the first time, and i can still hear their first words and laughter. How had you end up here, Aarushi, so far apart?

I was lost in thought when Varun came into the kitchen again. He didn't speak, nor look at me. He just placed a small box on the counter and walked away, leaving me in my confusion.

I stared at the box, my heartbeats racing. 

The last thing I expected him to come and silently give me were divorce papers. But what was this? Why had he left it here without a saying anything?

I wiped my trembling hands on the kitchen towel and took the box in my hands. And as I opened it.....shit.

There it was- a box of my favorite sweet—kaju katli. 

I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes. After everything, after all the fights and the hurtful words, he had remembered. He had remembered that I didn't like jalebi and rabdi, and he had brought me something specially for me, which I loved instead.

For the first time in what felt like ages, I felt hope, as if the connection i had thrown down in dust was whispering back into my ears. Maybe, just maybe, he still cared. Maybe there was still something left to solve out..

But then, as quickly as the thought came, I pushed it away. I couldn't afford to let myself believe in false hopes. His words were so clear that day, the coldness in his voice as he talked about separating. I couldn't ignore the reality of what he'd said, maybe he got this to show to the kids that he cared. but if he really wanted the kids to see, why would he secretly come to kitchen and keep it? why would he not give it in front of them? to let the kids notice? 

Still, I couldn't help myself. I picked up a piece of the kaju katli and took a bite. 

A tear reached down my cheek, making me aware of all the possibilities which might be present. but I quickly wiped it away, not wanting to dwell this entire thing on what-could-have-been. With a heavy heart, I closed the box and turned back to the sink, trying to divert my mind from overthinking about his this gesture.

Varun's gesture had triggered something deep within me, but I knew that this was not the solution to the root cause of the problem we were in. The reality was that we weren't the same,  and no amount of kaju katli could change that, and we both knew it, me and him, both. I had to prepare myself for what was coming, no matter how much it hurt, i can't keep relying on these things.

With a sigh, I finished the dishes. The house was quiet now, the kids were in their room, and I stood in the kitchen with arms folded on my chest absorbing the silence around. I wanted to thank him, because after all he gave me something which I liked.

He came inside, and opened the fridge to put the water bottle back in the place. he knew I looked at him, but he didn't match his eyes with me. 

"Thanks.....for the sweet." I say while looking down at my feet. 

And for the first time in a while I see a little- very little smile on his face- which I don't even know if it is worth calling a smile. he gives that expression and closes the fridge door without responding or looking at me, and just slowly goes away from there.

This little smile made me rethink about a lot of things, unsure of what it meant. I close the lights of kitchen and walk towards the room, with my heart feeling a little warmth amidst the cold it had been in.