Volcano | Bangchan

I don't like her

Chan's POV

I sighed as I put my phone down, put my head back, and shut my eyes for a moment. I knew what I just did was unfair. I had been harsh on Hyunjin without a good reason. A soft knock on my bedroom door interrupted my thoughts. Changbin came in and sat on my bed, watching me silently. I didn't even open my eyes. Maybe if I don't move, he will not ask any questions. As I wasn't budging, Bin cleared his throat. I sighed in defeat. "What". "Care to explain what that was ?". I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Nothing, I'm just tired. I'll apologize tomorrow.". Changbin gave me a look, clearly not buying it. "So it has nothing to do with the fact they both were alone ?". I opened my eyes only to face the ceiling. If I looked at my best friend, I knew I wouldn't be able to hold my thoughts. "I'm not jealous, Bin.". Changbin raised an eyebrow, slightly grinning. "I never talked about jealousy.". I snapped his head to him. Touché. I played with my fingers for a while before talking : "Even though something happened between them, I don't have a word to say. It's none of my business.".

Changbin took a deep breath. He knew he had to have this conversation with me. And this time, he wasn't letting me dodge. "Chan, I'm gonna be straightforward. Do you have feelings for Sooki ?". I didn't answer, and I refused to answer that question. Changbin took my silence as an answer, then continued : "If so, do something. You deserve to be happy. All you do is work, you don't even have time to see your friends other than us. When was the last time you saw Jungkook Hyung, or Bambam Hyung? You always told us to take care of our health, but you're not following your own advice.". I sighed once again. If only it was that easy. 

I stood up only to crash on the bed next to Changbin. I laid down, looking once again at the ceiling. And then I confessed : "I kissed her.". Changbin stuttered : "You- say that again.". I remained silent as Changbin slowly registered the information. A few seconds later, he was shaking me excitedly. "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN ? WHEN ? WHERE ?". I groaned. That's the reason why I didn't tell him in the first place. "It doesn't matter, Bin. I shouldn't have done that.". 

Changbin immediately calmed down and looked at me seriously : "Why ? You didn't want it ?". I took a pillow and started to play with it : "Yes – No – I mean... Argh, it doesn't matter what I want or not, Changbin !". Changbin looked at me confused : "I'm not following you.". I straightened up and explained : "I shouldn't have done that because this is not right, Bin. Because it can not lead to a good ending. I am the leader of one of the most powerful groups of the 4th generation. I can't be involved in a relationship. The fans would be so disappointed in me, and it could have consequences for all of you. And even though I don't have time, I have the responsibility to look after y'all. As the leader, I have to do everything I can to make y'all happy. What if Hyunjin really does have feelings for her ? I can't be the one preventing them from being happy. So no. Kissing her wasn't a good thing. Because in the end, my feelings shouldn't count.". I forced a laugh : "Hell, what am I even saying ? I don't even like her !". Liar. I was lying to myself.

Changbin thought a moment about what to reply. "Hyung. You know I asked Nomi out on a date, right ? Because you convinced me to do so. If I'm caught dating someone, it could have serious consequences for the group. But do you remember what you told me ?". I remained silent. Of course, I remembered. But I didn't think he would return my own words against me. "You told me that as long as I'm happy, you and the members will be happy too. And that the group was ready to fight against everyone for my happiness. Because we deserve to live our life. Well, you should start applying this modo to your own life. You've never had feelings for any girls. Yet Sooki holds a special place. I truly think she is the one for you, but if you let her go, you could lose her for good. As for Hyunjin, I don't think they're meant to be together, and Hyun will realize that quickly. So, none of your excuses are good enough to convince me.". He patted my belly before heading out. "Think about it. Are you gonna spend all your life alone because of the fans ? Or are you gonna try to concile your career and your private life ? ".

As he was about to go, he turned back and added : "Oh, and to your concern : if you didn't like her, you wouldn't have thought about all of this.". I threw him the pillow, and Bin dodged it before running away laughing.