Volcano | Bangchan

What are you afraid of ?

Chan's POV

The day went by smoothly. Spotify was pretty fun. We did some games, which changed from the classical interview. And after that, we still had two other interviews in a more typical style. Promoting was exhausting, but luckily we were done for the day, and it was only 5 pm. Lee Know and Han decided to find the best cheesecake in town. Changbin and Nomi stayed in the hotel to enjoy a bit of time together. Felix and Hyunjin went to the museum. Seungmin, I.N and Sooki wanted to go shopping, and even though they invited me, I declined. I needed to work, but to be honest, I wanted to be alone.

It was around 7 pm when I heard a soft knock on the door. Sooki opened the door and passed her head : "Hey, mind if I come ?". I took off my headphones and nodded. She came to my bed and sat lotus position in front of me. She patiently waited for me to save all my work before closing my laptop. Once she knew she had all my attention, she finally spoke : "Are you okay ? I mean, really okay ?". I could tell by her face she was concerned. I smiled gently but didn't answer : "Why are you asking ?". "I don't know. Call it a feeling, but you seemed out of focus today. Maybe it is because of your tiredness. Don't worry, no one noticed during the interview ! But knowing you, it seemed like your mind was elsewhere.". 

She scanned me to analyze my reaction. I lowered my head and focused on the cushion I was playing with. She knew me too well, so there was no point in denying it. But I couldn't tell her the real reason, so I had to get around the reality. "I don't know if I can tell you this, actually... I kinda want to do something brand new, something I have never done before. I would like to show a new aspect of my life, a new side of me. But I don't know, I am not sure if this will be a good thing. Should I give it a go ? Or not ? I'm truly lost...".

Sooki's eyes softened : "What's keeping you from doing it ? What are you afraid of ?". I couldn't look her in the eyes, so I kept playing with my fingers. "I'm afraid of the reactions. This is something fans are not used to. What if they don't like it ? Fans can be harsh, and I don't want anyone to suffer from this just because I wanted to try. I am the leader. Being sure of each one of my actions is my duty. And I can't let Stray Kids suffer from my actions. And what if the project isn't as good as I thought ? What if it died down ? This is too important for me, I can't lose y- I mean, I can't give up on this.". Wow, I was close to telling something wrong. Sooki was quiet, so I raised my head to look at her. She was staring at the window, deep in thought. After a while, she spoke with a soft voice.

"Chan, since when are you afraid of what people might think of you ? You are Banghchan, leader of Stray Kids. You trained for 7 years without giving up, despite the difficulties. May I remind you that you chose each member to create your own group without caring about other's opinions ? Even better, you fought for your convictions and made it to debut ! You stood up against the rumors, against the hate, against everything ! You've become one of the most popular groups of the 4th generation, by always showing the world your true colors. The fans love you for who you are and what you love. If you truly believe in this project, then show them ! Of course, some will dislike it, just like each time you release a song. So what ? What's the worst that could happen ? Some fans could leave the fandom. And then ? What's the point in keeping a bunch of haters who will poison a healthy fandom that loves and supports you no matter what ? As for the members, I totally understand that, as a leader, you want to protect them. But I think they want you to fulfill your own dreams. And I bet they won't back down if you ask for support, and it doesn't go well. You fought to keep Felix and Lee Know in the team. You promised Changbin that you would fight whoever prevents him from dating Nomi. They will protect and fight for you just as much as you do.".

I looked at her intensely, captivated by her speech. Each word hit my brain with so much intensity. I spent my whole life fighting for what I wanted, yet I was afraid of that step ? For what ? Because it was new to the whole industry ? Yes and ? A group entirely self-made was new too. Stray Kids's style was unique, and I was ready to fight to show it to the world. It was time for me to fight for myself and for what I wanted in my life. Changbin told me I had to think about my own happiness, but I didn't listen. I needed her to say it. The fact that she supported me with so much devotion, without even knowing what project I was talking about, was making me fall for her even harder.

She snapped me out of my thoughts by putting her hand on top of mine. She stared into my eyes and smiled fondly : "The world deserves to know who you truly are, Chan. With your ups and downs, with your qualities and your flaws. Show yourself to the world, and I'll be by your side to support you. Stray Kids, your family, the staff, and the Stay will support you. You deserve to be happy, Chris.". She rubbed her thumb against my hand, and I unconsciously intertwined our fingers. We stared at each other, and I was fighting the urge to kiss her right here, right now. But now wasn't the right time. Right ?

"Ahem... I'll come back later.". Both of us snapped our heads in the direction of that deep voice. Felix was looking at our hands before looking everywhere else. She abruptly stood up and coughed to hide her embarrassment. "No Lix, it's okay ! We were just discussing, nothing else !". Lix still looked everywhere else, but now it was just to tease her. I could see him trying to hide his smile. She made her way out, and just before exiting, she took one last look at me. "Remember Chan. Fear is what prevents you from happiness.". She left, and I threw myself back on the bed, a big smile on my face. Felix looked at the door, then looked at me with a confused look : "... What were you two talking about ? What are you afraid of ?". I closed my eyes without being able to hide my smile : "I am not afraid anymore.".