Volcano | Bangchan

Mistake ?

As we came back into the practice room, everyone was already reviewing the choreo with Lee Know supervising. He was the first one looking at us in the mirror. He saw us but acted clueless. The others quickly followed his gaze and noticed our faces. They all deducted the issue of our conversation, but they continued training as if nothing happened, and Hyunjin followed them. I knew they knew, but thankfully, they respected our decision not to talk about it. Han and Seungmin exchanged a quick gaze, slightly worried about my puffy red eyes. But I gave them a reassuring smile. 

t has been an hour since they started training, and I was getting tired just from watching them. I took the time they stopped to rehydrate themselves as an opportunity to tell them I was going home. It was almost lunchtime, and I was craving for some bibimbap and a Netflix marathon. I bid them goodbye (just waving, because they were sweaty af) and exited from the room. I was waiting for the elevator when someone called me from behind : "Sooki ?".

I froze. Fuck. It was the last person I wanted to see right now. I knew that my eyes were still puffy and slightly red, and I was really sensitive. Now wasn't the time to face him. But we were alone in the hallway, I couldn't act like I hadn't heard him. I turned back and forced a smile : "Chan, hey ! You're not practicing with the others ?". He had his hands in his pockets, swaying back and forth on his feet like a kid. "I didn't feel like practicing today. What are you doing here ?". "I came with Jisung since he slept at mine. I was about to go home. Anyway... It was good seeing you, bye !". I pressed the button of the elevator again, praying for it to come faster. "Can we talk ?". I closed my eyes and sighed. Double Fuck. I turned back : "Really Chan ? Right now ?". He shrugged. "The sooner the better, no ?". That comment gave me a sour laugh. The audacity of that man. "Ironic, since it happened months ago, don't you think ?". He gave me a stern face : "I'm talking about yesterday Soo". I shot back : "Yesterday isn't the real problem and you know it.". He was about to respond but we fell silent as someone passed by the hallway, giving us a quick glare.

Chan passed a hand on his face. "Can we please talk about this elsewhere ? Like my studio for example ?". I didn't answer, passed by him, and went straight to his studio. I don't know why I was being this sensitive all of a sudden. Maybe I held back my emotions for too long. But I had a feeling that this conversation would not end well. He silently followed me. We went to the studio. I stood there in the middle of the room, playing with my ring. I was quite nervous about all of this. Chan leaned on his desk, detailing me. 

He suddenly stood up and closed the gap between us in no time. He grabbed my face with his two hands and forced me to look at him, worry all over his face. "Have you been crying ? Are you okay ?". I stuttered to think about an answer, we were only inches apart. I could feel the heat of his body radiating and it wasn't helping at all when the only thought I had was the need to hug him right now. I backed away from him and looked everywhere else. Now was not the time to be distracted. So I simply answered : "It doesn't matter, you wanted a discussion so let's talk.". I waited for him to start. He seemed quite nervous, he ran his hand on his face and sighed once again. His nervousness was contagious, I turned around and looked at the sky to calm my nerves. "You should give a chance to Hyunjin.".

My eyes widened at his statement. What ? The fact he couldn't see my reactions was helping him, so he continued : "Please hear me out. Hyunjin likes you a lot, and he is perfect for you. He will treat you right. As the leader, I will support your relationship and will help you protect the secret. You kissing him shows your feelings towards him. Since you two want this, then go for it. I will not be an obstacle.". I blinked multiple times, as to make sure I heard that right. He raised his head to carefully watch me, waiting for my reaction.

I struggled to find my words. He wanted me to be with Hyunjin ? What does it mean exactly ? He didn't care about our kiss..? My heart started beating faster as I realized. I slowly turned around to face him. "What... What does it mean ? What do you mean by I will not be an obstacle ?". Chan looked away as he answered : "It means I will be happy for you, and support you. You deserve to be happy and Hyunjin will give you that.". I couldn't stand how he was talking so casually about a hypothetical relationship with his friend. "Stop talking about Hyunjin. Why are you telling me this Chan ? Does it mean that you don't feel anything... for me ?". I blocked my breath once I realized what I just said out loud. Did I ask him about his feelings for me ? Am I crazy ?! No. I needed that answer. 

The silence filled the room. He looked at me in the eyes. It seemed like he was having an inner battle. His brown eyes showed a hint of pain, but it quickly vanished. He let out a heavy breath : "I like you Sooki, really. You are one of my closest friends and I care deeply about you.". My heart cracked. Friends. The word kept spinning in my head. I couldn't help but scoff : "Friends.". I looked at the ceiling, not believing what he just said. Somehow, him calling me his friend was pissing me off. "You can't say that Bangchan. Friends don't flirt openly like we do. Friends don't get close as we did months ago. The kiss we shared on that night–". "That night was a mistake.". His interruption cut me off. I looked at him, speechless. His words cut deeper than a knife. I whispered : "A mistake..? You regret what happened.. ?". He looked away once again, like he couldn't look at me while saying those words : "Yes. It was just a moment of madness. We were caught in the game and acted stupid.".

A small tear fell down as I looked at him in disbelief. It meant nothing to him when it meant the world to me. I was hurt to the core. Chan's eyes shifted to me and he immediately straightened up when he saw the tear rolling down my cheek. He made a move in my direction, in an attempt to wipe it away, but I took a step back. I painfully ended this conversation : "Wow. I was stupid to think otherwise. For a quick moment I thought that, maybe, you could share feelings for someone other than your members. How stupid of me to think it could be me. I really need to get out of here.". I had my hand on the handle when Bangchan grabbed my wrist. He didn't want to let me go, not like this. I didn't even turn around, as I said : "And to your concern, Hyunjin and I will never be anything other than friends. I thought that kissing him was the real mistake, looks like I was wrong.". And on that note, I left without turning back.

I got out of the building. I decided to walk home to clear my mind. The sun was bright, unlike my messy mind. I was replaying the discussion over and over. How could have I been so blind ? What was I thinking ? Of course, Bangchan didn't have any feelings for me. This man only loves his members and his family. He was just being friendly with me, and I misunderstood everything. Only now I realized what he truly meant to me. Judging by how his words hurt me, how I was suffering from knowing he didn't feel anything for me, maybe it wasn't just a little crush. Maybe I had real feelings for him. I furiously wiped the tears that couldn't stop flooding. A part of me didn't want to believe what he said. All the time I spotted him already looking at me, the way he seemed jealous when Seungmin talked about our kiss, those Friday nights when he stopped working just to spend time with me. I didn't dream it, there was something right ? And that freaking kiss ! It was too intense, how dare he pretend it wasn't real ! I was mad at myself for trying to find some sense in all of this. After all, he said it was a mistake. I had to deal with this. Now I knew what I had to do : heal and stop hoping for something that would never happen. I finally reached out to my apartment. I immediately crouched in my bed and fixed the ceiling. Ironic that day huh ? You broke a heart and got yours broken in the process.