Volcano | Bangchan

Unfair

It's been almost an hour since we started to play with Seventeen's boys. Seungmin and Felix came and took our places in the game while I was watching and commenting on the game with Minho. I had so much fun that I didn't even care about the world around me. It was just good to enjoy my time with my friends. 

As I looked around, I caught on Seokmin. He was looking at me from afar, a fond smile on his face. I smiled back at him, nodding him to come. He approached and stood next to me, giving me a slight hit with his shoulder. "Are you enjoying the party ?". "Way more than I thought, all thanks to the bunch of idiots over there.". I designated Hoshi, who was aggressively arguing with Seungmin about whether the interception was fair or not, while Mingyu and Felix were laughing their asses off. Seokmin looked at them desperately. "They take this game way too seriously. And Minho is adding fuel to the fire instead of being the referee.". I laughed. I loved my idiots. "I love your laugh.". I raised my head to look at him, flustered. He noticed and teased me more. "It's one of my favorite sounds.". I blushed, taken aback by his sudden honesty. I looked down, a little embarrassed by what I was about to say : "I love yours better. When you laugh, every problem disappears. It's like it fills the atmosphere with pure joy.". This time, it was his turn to blush. 

We stood silent for a moment. He suddenly put his hand on mine to draw my attention. "Can I talk to you about something ?". I looked at him confused. He sounded so serious. "Of course, you can tell me everything, Seok.". He looked at the surroundings before adding : "Not here. Somewhere less noisy, a place where it's like... Just the two of us ?". I started feeling nervous, but in a good way. I shyly nodded. He smiled, stood up and offered me his hand : "Cool. There's a swing in the backyard, wanna go ?". I took his hand and stood up as well. "Yeah ! Let me just go to the bathroom real quick, and I'll meet you there.". He smiled and winked at me before disappearing into the crowd. "I'll wait for you.".

I went straight to the bathroom to touch up my make-up. As I was in front of the mirror, applying my lipstick, I tried to collect myself. What does Seokmin wanted to tell me that required for us to be alone ? I started feeling nervous, making up some scenarios. I was probably overthinking it, but I couldn't help but think of something serious. What if... Could it be... related to our relationship ? My mind brought me to that night in the car. I wanted him to kiss me, and I felt kind of disappointed that he didn't. I think it was time for me to stop denying it : I liked Seokmin. When I thought about meeting him in the backyard, I felt nervous and excited at once. I kind of hoped for something to happen. But I had to be careful. The last time, I misunderstood everything and ended up heartbroken. I would not repeat the same mistake. I gave one last look in the mirror before going out. As I exited, I ran into Chan.

He was leaning against the wall, apparently waiting for me. I smiled at him and joked : "Do you know this is the women's restroom ?". He smiled back, confirming my theory. "I was waiting for you, actually. I saw Han and Changbin doing a just dance contest upstairs, wanna join ?". He offered his hand, smiling at me. I smiled apologetically. "It's really tempting, but I have to decline. I have other plans.". He put his hands in his pockets and tilted his head to the side : "And what could be better than watching Bin slowly becoming a member of New Jeans ?". I smiled as I looked away, not feeling confident enough to say it while looking at him : "Seokmin is waiting for me in the backyard, so... I'll see you later.". I wanted to pass, but he took a step on the side, blocking the way. I looked at him, confused. He had his head low, not looking at me. "Don't go.". I frowned : "Why ?". "I don't like the idea of you being alone with him.". I felt a little bit annoyed by his behavior. What was he doing ? I jokingly teased him, tilting my head to meet his gaze : "And why that ? Could it be that you are jealous, Bangchan ?". He looked away and shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe.". 

Wait. What ? I took a step back, not expecting that. As I wasn't talking, he looked back at me, and I saw in his eyes that he was serious. I felt so much emotion at once, but I was overall mad. Why was he saying that ? I stuttered : "I – I don't get you, Chan. You were the one telling me we were only friends.".

Once again, he looked away. "Maybe I was lying.". My breath got stuck in my throat. He turned his eyes to face mine. "Maybe I was lying about not having any feelings for you. Maybe that night wasn't a mistake. Maybe that kiss meant much more to me than I wanted to admit. Maybe I wanted it to happen.". I took another step back, as if his words made me stumble. Each sentence felt like punches. Why ? Why was he doing that ? Why now ? Suddenly, it became clear : he was afraid of Dk. He felt threatened. I scoffed : "You can't be serious right now.". I felt anger building in me : "You have no right to do this. You can't tell me this after breaking my heart a few months ago. You can't tell me this when I am finally starting to get over you. You are being unfair.". He started : "I know...". But I cut him off : "I have met a boy who makes me feel important, who isn't afraid of showing me that he likes me. I do not allow you to step in now. Not when I have the opportunity to be happy, Chan !". 

I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. I couldn't believe it. I was so mad at him for deciding to do this now. He was looking at the floor, not saying anything. I wasn't going to stay here, waiting for him to explain. I didn't want an explanation.

I took a deep breath to calm the storm of emotions that was flooding inside of me "Now if you'll excuse me, someone is waiting for me.". I tried to escape, but he grabbed my wrist. His eyes met mine, and my heart broke a bit more. He was sad, fighting many emotions too. I could see it in his eyes. He only said one word, almost inaudible : "Please.". I was trying so hard not to let the tears fall. I looked at him. he seemed as broken as I was right now. I had feelings for him, that was for sure. But I also had feelings for Seokmin. And I would not destroy an opportunity to be happy without a good reason to do so. But a part of me wanted to give him a chance to convince me. One last chance. That's why I stated, holding his gaze : "You want me to stay ? I'll stay. Just say it. Say those words, and I'll be yours. Tell me you're ready and I'll drop everything. Just say those words.".

He held my glance only a few seconds before lowering his head. Another tear fell down, and I smiled through my pain. I whispered : "I have my answer.". Those were my last words. He let go of my wrist. I turned back, wiped my tears, and went to the backyard.