Volcano | Bangchan

Healing takes time

I woke up with difficulties the morning after. Seungmin was already in the kitchen, preparing breakfast with Nomi. Han was awake too, but he didn't let go of me. His cuddles were my favorite therapy, and he knew it. I opened my eyes and, for a split second, yesterday felt like a nightmare. But as the memories came back, I started crying again. How do I still have water in my body ? 

Han felt my body shake from sobbing and tightened his grip. He whispered : "It's gonna be okay, bug. You'll be okay. We'll be there, by your side. I'll never let you go.". I was silently crying in his arms until there were no tears left in my organism. Seungmin finally came with a plate full of pancakes, which he placed on the coffee table in front of me. I weakly smiled at him : "Thank you, Seung, but I don't feel like eating right now.". He raised an eyebrow and smiled back. "Who said it was for you, Monkey ?" he jokingly replied, showing me something with his chin. I turned my head and saw Jisung and Nomi, their cheeks full. I laughed at the sight of my best friend with his quokka cheeks. He raised his hands in the air and exclaimed with his mouth full : "She laughed ! Victory !".

As I was feeling a bit better, I decided it was time for me to explain the whole situation. I told the whole story, without sparing any details. So I had to confess to them my feelings for Bangchan. As I recalled the events, the tears started flooding again (Damn). Seungmin stroked my back, his eyes focused on something far away as he was immersed in the story. After a few minutes, I reached the end of the story : "He ended things without giving me a chance to fix things.". 

Han and Nomi gave sympathetic looks, giving me time to recover from my speech. But Seungmin wasn't talking, he kept mechanically stroking my back, deep in thought. Somehow, I wanted him to say what he had in mind. But Jisung was the first one to speak: "What are you feeling right now ?". I thought for a moment. There were so many emotions within me, that it was hard to sort it out. "I... I think the main feeling is guilt. I am devastated to lose him, I love him so much. But I am the only one to blame for this. I mean, I denied my feelings to the point where I didn't even realize I still had some. And that hurt the man I love to the core. The idea of being the reason behind his pain is unbearable.".

Seungmin, being the man he is, decided to put his feet in it. "Are you really surprised by the outcome ? I think somehow you ignored your feelings for Chan on purpose. You probably thought that if you ignored them long enough, they would end up disappearing. But if it was that easy, we would know.". This time, even Jisung didn't react. They were all scanning me, waiting for my reaction. As he saw a single tear flowing on my cheek, Min's eyes softened. He wiped it with his thumb and confessed : "I know what happened the night you and Seokmin got together.".

My eyes widened with surprise. I whispered : "You know... about...". "About Chan, yes.". How ? I only told Nomi because I couldn't keep it to myself, but I didn't want to tell the boys. At that time, I didn't want them to know much about the unspoken between me and Chan. Seungmin continued : "I was searching for Chan when I saw him following you in the hallway. I heard the whole conversation. And I saw you storming out with teary eyes. That night, you chose Seokmin over Chan. And you had to deal with your choice, so you buried your feelings so deep inside your heart that you almost forgot them. Are my suppositions right, Su ?".

He said the last sentence with a sweet voice to prevent me from breaking down. I swear this man lives in my head. It's like he knew exactly what was going on in my mind, even better than I did. And he always knew what to say to make me understand my own thoughts. The emotion was too powerful for me to handle. In that case, I tended to mute myself. My mind was blank, and I couldn't form any sentences. The only thing left was to cry. I nodded to make him understand how right he was. 

This was the moment when Jisung took action. He pulled me into his arms and let me cry, whispering : "It's okay if you can't talk right now. We all know it's too much for you. We'll stay by your side until you feel ready.". I tend to forget how much those two meant to me. They really were my best friends. Whenever I had a problem, they would do everything to help me. I had Seungmin's rational reflexion on one side, and Han's emotional support on the other side. With them by my side, I knew I could face everything.

It took me a few minutes to calm down. Once I was done crying for the 100th time, Nomi cautiously asked : "So baby, what do you want to do now ?". Yeah, what I am gonna do now ? "First of all, I need time. I'm crying every ten minutes, and I don't want the boys to worry about me.". The crew nodded in approbation. "We'll come with an excuse to let you breathe." Seungmin stated. Hannie knew there was still one thing to discuss : "What about... the whole Bangchan situation ?". I closed my eyes for a moment. The last thing I needed right now was another drama. I had no idea what to do with my feelings for him, and I certainly didn't want to deal with it for now.

"Chan can't know about the break-up. I know I am asking you a big favor, but do not talk about the break-up or, worse, about the reason behind it, to anyone. Nom, I'm sorry, but that includes Binnie.". Nomi nodded : "That's not a big favor. This is your life. You should be the only one to decide who you want to share your secrets with.". I took Nom's and Hannie's hand in mine. "Guys, thank you. I am so grateful for having you in my life. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.". My eyes started being teary (AGAIN), which made everyone laugh. Han smiled brightly : "You're lucky, we are incredible. Kidding, we love you too, bug !". Seungmin messed with my hair and exclaimed : "Yeah, yeah, we love you, Monkey. But for the love of god, stop crying !".