Exhibitions- Gerard Way

Sane

Gerard sleeps on the sofa that night, he doesn't want to push Maxine along in their relationship too quickly so he offers her his bed. 

In bed, Maxine thinks about how much Gerard cares about her. No one's ever loved her more than he does and she loves him. She can't believe that they're actually living together and she can't wait to tell Daisy all about it tomorrow. She remembers back to the speech that he gave her earlier. "You're the only one who can keep me sane." His words keep replaying in her head. What does this mean? He's spoken about his struggles with addiction, but he said he's fine now, so what does he mean by this? Curiosity gets the better of her and she wanders through the dark into the living room. Gerard's peacefully lying on his side, still slightly awake but in complete silence. She crouches down in front of his face, earning a sleepy smile from him.

"Gee, can I ask you something?" She whispers. He nods, sits up and pats down next to him, asking her to sit.

"What did you mean when you said that I keep you sane earlier?" Maxine looks at him but he looks away, almost as if he's embarrassed about it. They stay like this for a moment until Maxine tugs on his arm, asking for an explanation.

Gerard turns and looks at her again, breathing in heavily before his hesitant explanation. "That kind of slipped out if I'm honest, but it's true. I didn't intend on telling you that, I don't want to burden you. It's just that I would often get really bad anxiety. Since being sober my minds just constantly racing with like a million thoughts a minute. Mostly good thoughts, but some bad ones that would overwhelm my mind sometimes giving me an anxiety attack. I just felt so low" He doesn't let her know about the severity of these attacks. "But since I've been with you, those thoughts have stopped. The last time I had them was the night before you arrived in New York. Whenever you're with me, you keep my mind at ease and all I want to do is take care of you in the same way that you've healed and taken care of me. I knew that if I let you go then I would never get over myself, the thoughts would come back and I don't even know what I would do without you. I owe you so much Max, you're like a drug, my drug that I need so badly."

"Oh Gerard, I'm so sorry you've been having these awful thoughts, you're the last person who deserves to be feeling like that." She strokes his cheek. "I wish you would have told me this sooner, I could have helped you."

"You have helped me, even if you don't know it."

"Do you want to talk about them?" She asks him. "We'll be here all night! most of them are stupid anyways" He laughs. The thoughts aren't stupid, they take over his entire body to the point that he can barely breathe. 

"You know I'll always listen Gee, I'm here for you. I'm never going to judge you, you know that."

"I know, I know. I just don't want to cause myself any panic. Let alone you, I don't wanna scare you, what if talking about them brings them all flooding back into my mind and I give myself a panic attack?"

"Aw Gee, I'm right here. I'll always be here, right by your side. Whatever you're fighting, we'll fight it together. Maybe talking about it will give you a sense of relief." 

"Well it was mostly just small things like not getting a piece of work done in time, or like never getting into my dream career. You know, stuff like that." He lies through his teeth, he knows that if he brings up what he was actually thinking of then those awful thoughts would just start swarming his mind again. He starts sweating, even just thinking about saying what would actually encapsulate his mind stresses him out. The thoughts disappear at the touch of Maxine's hand. She notices his suddenly worried facial expression drop into relief as she talks to him.

"Gerard, I'm here remember? You're okay." She rubs his back and takes hold of his hand. He wipes his sweat with his forearm before being pulled in to a kiss on the cheek from her. 

"Please tell me if you ever feel like that again, I can't stand you being in pain."

"Of course I will my love." He holds her hand tightly. 

Maxine drags him up from the sofa. "You can't sleep here on your own." They walk through the apartment and into his bedroom together. 

"Are you sure Max?" He questions her as she drags him into bed. She sends him a consenting smile and he snuggles up next to her. Gerard feels a massive weight off of his shoulders now that he has told someone about his problems, properly. However, he can't help but feel guilty that he doesn't tell her the full truth. He's embarrassed, but he knows that he doesn't want to tell her to keep her safe. He lays down on his side, scooping Maxine in his arms and pulling her closer to his body. 

Maxine wakes up a few times throughout the night, checking if he's okay. He worried her earlier, she's never seen him so stressed about something. Well she's never seen him stressed about anything before. Every time she wakes up, he's still fast asleep which eases her mind.