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familoneliness

You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
You don't have to be sorry for doin' it on your own
You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
You don't have to be sorry, no
(Harry Stiles, Matilda, 2022)

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this is not a home, this is just a house.

and I've known this since I was thirteen, but usually I pretend.

I pretend that it's okay if you hurt me, that it's okay if you shame me, that it's okay if an 'I'm proud of you', an 'I love you' are more harder to hear from your mouth than a defense to my father.

I tell myself that after all it's not your fault.
that you've been through a lot, and I'm lucky, and it's understandable how you act.

but it's not okay.
you're human, and it's okay to make mistakes.
but it's not okay to make the same mistakes over and over again, just because you don't want to learn a different way to exist.

it's not okay that you feel free to yell at me, telling me you're ashamed of me, that I embarrass you.

it's not fucking okay to make me feel like I will never be enough for you.

it's. not. fucking. okay.

it's not fucking okay that when I say 'my mom is my hero and I'm so proud of being her child' you have the boldness to say that I'm lying.

it's not fucking okay that in my own house - oh, wait, it's not mine. I'm living in your house. and I should be grateful you haven't kicked me out yet.
but anyway, it's not okay that in my own house, a place I should call home, a place I should feel loved in, a place I should smile thinking of, I feel safe only under the sheets of my bed.
it's not okay that the second I walk out of my room I feel in danger, I feel judged even for the way I breathe.

a home, a family shouldn't make you feel like you're fighting even to be a part of it, even to have the right to be alive.

and sometimes I wish I could hate you, but I never do.

I never do because you're my mom. you're the only parent I have left, and I can't afford to lose you too.

even when you're the reason I want to stop breathing, even when you're the reason I want to stop fighting, even when you're the reason I'm scared my friends don't love me, even when you're the reason I think I'm wrong in any way a human being can be wrong.

even when you're the reason I think I'm not even human.

even when you're so angry and bitter that you're able to tell me 'you're not human', 'you're a monster', 'you're not my child'.

this is not a home, this is just a house.

a house that I never felt like mine.

a house that I fear to come back to, because who knows what's the next thing I'll do wrong and get yelled at for.

and all because you can't love me the right way.

all because you do love me, but you look at me like I'm the worst mistake of your life.