𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝙶𝚛𝚎𝚢

TW: Depression, self-harm, suicide attempt

angst

Chan's no stranger to keeping secrets.

As an idol, secrets are considered part of the job. If something comes up that potentially jeopardises your career, you shut up and keep it a secret for as long as possible. If needed, you get the company to hush it up.

It's a simple fact of idol life.

Yet, he's never really kept any secrets from his kids.

Except one, now that he thinks about it.

He's never told them about the grey that seeps in through the walls he's carefully, painstakingly built in his mind. The cold that paralyses him, making it impossible to function, complete even the simplest of tasks. The weight of his mind, pressing down, never missing a chance to point out his slightest mistake.

Depression.

He hates that word. It makes him feel worthless, helpless.

He should ask for help. He knows that. He knows that a normal person would tell their friends.

But he's not a normal person. He's a leader, an idol, a main producer. He has so much responsibility, and he can't afford to let anyone know of his struggle.

So he smiles, attends schedules, fan meetings, concerts, never letting anyone see past the mask.

No one can see past it, has seen past it. For all the other members joke about him going mostly naked at the dorms, they have never seen the patchwork that makes up the skin of his hips.

Sometimes, he cries himself to sleep thinking of the walls he's put up. No one truly knows him, his battles. The few times Hyunjin or Jisung have walked in on him crying, he's managed to play it off as stress.

He hates it, the grey.

Not black, no.

Gray is the true absence of hope.

Black is just a momentary shade, a period of mourning.

Eventually, white will come back and the colours will reveal themselves once more.

With grey...it's nothing, a void.

Chan has opened his eyes to grey more and more often these days.

It's getting harder to hide it from the others. He's almost certain Felix is aware something is up. The worry in the younger's eyes when they last talked to each other has not gone unnoticed by Chan. So far, he hasn't said anything. He won't. Felix is too nice, too hesitant to hurt Chan by mistake.

Days blur into weeks. The grey has become darker, and soon it's the colour of smog, rather than the silver it had been when he had first fallen.

At first, Chan fights against it, trying to find sparks of happiness and light in the everyday. All too soon, however, he gives up.

It is futile.

There's no point in trying if he just ends up falling again.