𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝙵𝚊𝚞𝚕𝚝

TW: self-loathing, breakup, alluded self-harm, alluded trauma

angst

Is it him?

Is he the issue?

It has to be.

Why else would he be left like this, when he was just so deeply in love, drunk on emotions and giddy with every touch, every moment of eye contact, all of it? Never mind that they had been together for years, teenage crushes turned adulthood lovers, the envy of his band mates, the very picture of a stable relationship. 

Why else would he be left like this, when he thought that everything had finally fallen into place, that he had found his one and only, his constant? 

Perhaps it was because his other half was like him, broken, scared too communicate, hungry for attention, desperate for validation, yet too timid to mention any problems. Perhaps they were two negatives, repelling each other despite their longing to stay together. Perhaps, despite everything, there is another timeline out there, somewhere, where they stayed together, and truly were each other's one and onlys.  

But no. 

Most likely, it's that he was too clingy, too needy, in need of too much care and attention.  

After all, not many people want to spend their nights tending to their partner after yet another panic attack, nightmare, relapse. No, that is nobody's idea of a good time.

Even now, he can't stop the spiral of his thoughts, pulling him back in, under the surface despite Minho's attempts to bring him back to reality. 

He clutches his knees tightly, staring off into nothing, mind silent and loud at the same time, calm and stormy.  

It was him. 

He was the reason for it, wasn't he? 

It is because of his personality, isn't it, his stupid people-pleasing tendencies, his ability to brush of his problems with a smile, ignoring the way they are simply left to fester, a wound grown infected instead of simply healing with barely a trace it was ever there. 

It's because he is him,  Christopher Chahn Bahng, with all of his imperfections, dreams and goals that he can never aspire to live up to. 

"Not everything is about you, you know." 

He knows that. 

He knows that his traumas should be healed by now, but it would also probably help if he managed to find at least one therapist that was more devoted to helping their patients than the  money that was being thrown their way. 

It would also probably help if they had talked things through more often, tried to get to the bottom of their issues. 

It would have helped. 

It could have helped. 

Now, it's too late to ever find out. 

Has it really only been hours since the news was broken to him, his partner's eyes tired, shoulders slumped with exhaustion, and yet....and yet, he could swear he saw relief. Relief, because now he is somebody else's problem.