𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝚂𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚜

TW: Self-harm, alluded suicide attempt

angst

It's one of those days. 

Chan is a zombie, merely acting out the motions of living, absent from his own body. 

He wants to disappear. 

No.

What he wants to do is less drastic that that, probably more harmful in the long run, yes, but...he can't.

He and Felix made a promise- if he can go two weeks clean, they'll have an Aussie evening, just the two of them, laughing and cuddling on the sofa, maybe go out for dinner. 

He's made it a week and a half. 

Some days are easier than others. 

Some days he can laugh and smile genuinely, live instead of merely existing, surviving. 

Other days, he struggles to function, to talk without shattering, to keep his cracked vessel whole. His scars are a testament to his battles. 

The ones on his wrists taunt him, practically laughing at his weakness. He covers them nearly at all times, on  and off the camera, telling himself that it's for the others, that they shouldn't be reminded of that dark time every time they see him. 

In reality, it's mostly for himself. 

He hates to be reminded of how far he's fallen, of where he's been, of his past battles. He's not fully healed yet, he knows. 

Maybe when things are better, he'll be able to stomach the sight of the twin lines that curve around his wrists, severing the dark veins jarringly, telling their story to anyone who takes the time to fully examine him. 

So he hides them under wristbands and bracelets and watches and long sleeves, and they have become such a staple of his outfits that even he forgets what they hide sometimes. 

He has to go Live tonight.

Don't get him wrong, he loves the chance to talk to his STAYs, craves it, in fact, yet...it's draining. The Lives take so much out of his schedule, use up so much time he needs to prep tracks, record guides, arrange potential release schedules.

Not to mention that not all STAYs love him, or think he's good enough.

Being an idol means getting hate. It's par for the course.

However, Chan is sensitive, so quick to dismiss the numerous compliments he receives, and so willing to believe all the negative.

It's easy to drag him down.

And unfortunately, it seems to be a fact that the antis have latched on to. 

He sets up the camera, eager for the distraction, the chance to drag himself from his thoughts. 

If he doesn't do this, STAY will think something's wrong.

That, and he'll most likely end up breaking his promise to Felix.

He hits the button, and is Live.