𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝙳𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐

TW: alluded depression, alluded anxiety

The ghoul in his reflection is back again, leering at him through the cracks in his polished skin.

He has been performing all day, for the cameras and his members, a smile pasted on brightly for every second. It's exhausting, the nonstop need to pretend that everything is good, great, fucking amazing, that he is doing better than ever, that everything was magically fixed when he debuted, instead of being swept under the rug and left to fester for years.

It's exhausting. The others are exhausting, the interviews are exhausting, the constant wardrobe checks, the weigh-ins, the training, all of it, it's too much.

He can't do it anymore.

Tonight, he is drowning in the sea of his thoughts, astray with no form of anchor, no one, nothing to save him. He tries to stay afloat, but the ghoul is pulling him under, deeper into the trap. 

Ew, I hate you.

You need to have more charisma.

Go kys.

These two should do the rap battle.

Stray Kids disband.

Who composed this song?

Can't even keep a whole team together.

He should be over all of that.

He really should.

Why does it all keep coming back? It's all old news, it shouldn't affect him as much as it does.

He glares at the ghoul in his reflection, cursing his visuals.

God, how did he never realise how crooked his nose is, how asymmetrical his features are, how big his lips are?

He's so fucking skinny, but when he gains weight, to the level he likes, the fans don't like it. He can't eat without letting STAY down.

It's all ugly. He's ugly.

He can't stand it.

He needs to be better, better than this, better for his team.

The ghoul lashes out, snagging its claws on the frayed edges of his soul, scattering the broken pieces all over the floor.

He sinks down, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to protect himself from the chill spreading out from his heart.

He's tried so much. He has given everything. But it's not enough. It'll never be enough.

It'll never be enough, he'll just let everyone down, disappoint them, and they'll leave him, and wouldn't he just be better off leaving them instead, doing them a favour?

It's a dangerous way of thinking, one that rarely afflicts him anymore. He knows he should call his doctor the moment he feels these thoughts come on, but he just can't bring himself to burden yet another person.