𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝙻𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢

TW: Major character death, self-harm, suicide

angst

Take care of yourselves and please remember that you matter to people, no matter how much you think otherwise! :)

Chan loves his kids.

Really, truly, honestly.

But sometimes, he can't help but feel a little...ignored.

It's not much, honestly- the others will forget to invite him on a group outing, or that he's even home. It started out as once a month, then slowly grew more and more consistent, until now, a year later, Chan honestly can't remember the last time he was asked to go anywhere with one of the other members.

He understands. His work schedule is a strain on everyone, particularly himself, but what can he do when he's the leader, eldest, and main producer?

As such, he has meetings to go to, tracks to prepare, choreography to help plan, Lives to do, venues to help arrange... the list seems endless.

It's a strain, and he knows it. He does what he can to be there for the others.

it would help if the others at least acknowledged his presence in return. True, he probably wouldn't be able to go even if the kids asked him, but it's the thought behind the matter.

He's being selfish and he knows it, but he can't help but think. He's there for them, a resident chef (at least for his dorm), therapist, counsellor...hell, sometimes he feels more like their manager than their leader. But yet, sometimes...it feels like the others would rather have him as their manager than leader.

He knows he could ask the others somewhere. And he has. Chan has honestly, truly tried so hard, but it seems to go unnoticed. Chan is sensitive, so quick to believe any negative and discard the positive.

If he's being honest, he doesn't feel like he adds anything to the dynamic that is Stray Kids.The others are so close-knit, it feels like he's the odd one out. Never mind that he was the one who brought them all together in the first place. The last time he asked for help with a song, he was met with blank stares from Jisung and Changbin, and a muttered comment about why shouldn't he be able to finish it, he's done well enough so far.

It's discouraging.

He won't admit it, but the constant...he doesn't even know what to call it. Isolation? Loneliness? Whatever it is, it has caused him to turn to less...favourable coping mechanisms. Not like he would tell anyone. They would probably give him the same odd, not quite worried, not quite happy stare Jeongin shoots his way whenever he opens his mouth anymore.

Jeongin's the only one who tries to reach out to include him. Sometimes he wonders why the maknae even bothers.

Chan continues on, the solitude (read: loneliness) his only companion after rehearsal ends. He can feel his mental state worsening, his scars growing deeper and deeper. It's going to reach a head one day. He can feel it, a thin thread that's been frayed until it can't stand any more. It's going to snap. He's going to snap.

He could disappear, and the others wouldn't even notice.

There are days when he wants to do just that. There are other days, better ones, when he just wants to step back to being solely a producer, let the others shine brighter without him to dull his shine.