𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝚃𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 𝚃𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙴𝚗𝚍

TW: toxic relationship, negative self-esteem, anxiety, depression, abuse, implied sexual assault

Don't let your partner treat you with anything less than you deserve

"Chan, you okay?"

The leader plasters a smile on, beaming brightly at the younger rapper.

"Never better. Don't worry."

He is lying.

He is lying, but how can he just tell the others the truth, that he has been in (no, was in, now) a relationship for the past year, that he hid it from them all, terrified of their reactions, that he just managed to call it off the other night, that he is quite literally terrified for them, in case his ex retaliates?

It is too much for him to comprehend, even now, so how can he even try to explain to the others?

The pain of heartbreak is real, even more so now that he can see that he was never truly loved, merely used and discarded for his fame, money, the influence his name holds in social circles.

Jisung frowns, scanning him from head to toe, as if gauging his appearance.

"Alright, if you say so. Just...if you need anything, we're here, you know? You can come talk to us at any moment."

He nods, flashing another smile before wordlessly turning back to his computer, placing his headphones over his ears, pretending to focus on his music again.

In reality, his mind keeps taking him back to a few nights ago, on what would have been their 14-month anniversary. 

Yes, he keeps track of things like that. 

It's romantic, it's silly, it's stupid, but it's who he is. He can't help it.

"What the fuck do you mean, you want to call it off? Don't you know how much I've given up for you to make this work?"

He should have seen it coming, should have realised.

He should have realised the moment they stopped talking as much, their daily texts and phone calls dwindling to a cordial check-in every day, almost as though his partner felt required to inquire about his well-being.

He should have realised when they stopped cuddling as much, stopped going out to eat as much, when everything began to spiral.

Deep down, he knows some part of him realised, some part of him knew, and that that part of him had wanted to end it after their first night together.

It had felt so wrong, he knows that you're not supposed to feel violated by your partner, the one person who is supposed to take care of you and love you no matter what.

He wanted to crawl out of his skin the whole time, and the moment he could the next morning, he had hurriedly left, fleeing back to his dorm, thankful that Jeongin was still sleeping. 

He had scrubbed every inch of his body, sobbing, because he knew that he shouldn't feel like this, he was loved and adored, but everything just hurt so much, the bruises and marks on his arms and chest were burning, and every part of him just ached.