𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝚆𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛

TW: Seasonal Affect Disorder, depression, self-harm

It is cold outside.

Chan rests his head against the window, grateful for the warmth of the indoors, for the blanket that someone wrapped around him at some point during the day.

He isn't sure how long he has been here, sitting on a chair in the corner of their living room, staring out the window at the blank world outside.

It is cold outside, yes, but nowhere near as muted and chilled as Chan feels.

He hates winter, hates the all-too familiar numbness that creeps up on him after the first day of Autumn, the fog that fills his mind for months on end.

He isn't sure what causes it- lack of daylight, the cold temperatures, so unlike the climate of his home, of Australia, or a combination of any factors.

God, he misses home, misses his family.

The repetitive actions of daily life haven't been enough to distract him from the cold inside of him, the tiredness that always seems to drag down his limbs, no matter how much sleep he tries to get.

He knows the others have an idea, at least, of what is going on. After all, when this pattern happens every year, it is hard to not notice.

He sighs, tipping his head back, staring up at the ceiling, glaring at the light. It's far too bright, far too obnoxious, far too much.

He wants to climb back into bed, bury himself under the covers, pretend like the outside world doesn't exist.

But unfortunately for him, he has responsibilities, as an idol, producer, functioning member of society.

That, and he can't afford to worry the others any more than he already has.

His phone pings, and he drags his eyes away from his staring contest with the light long enough to read the time, ignoring the message from Jeongin, something about his computer.

Maybe the maknae ruined it gaming.

If only he would be so lucky.

It's already evening, he realises. God, he just wasted an entire day sitting on the couch, staring into nothing. What a waste.

His breath escapes him in a sigh, even as he forces himself to stand, gritting his teeth against the black dots that threaten to creep into the corners of his vision.

He forgot to eat again.

He knows he should keep, should take a vested interest in his health, but it's all too much right now, an insurmountable task that is always looming above him, yet one he never acknowledges.

Someone wraps their arms around him, pulling him close.

Chan frowns, struggling half-heartedly to pull away.

Seungmin chuckles in his ear, tightening his hold on the elder's waist.

Chan gives up, relaxing into the vocalist's arms.