𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝙽𝚎𝚎𝚍

TW: nicotine addiction, vaping, depression, anxiety, mentioned suicide attempt 

Angst 

He wants his vape back. 

Of course, that would mean talking to Minho, and the dancer didn't seem in any mood to actually communicate with him right now. 

He has never seen the dancer's face turn so pale as it did when he opened his desk drawer, the vape sitting there, innocent in its damning presence, the blue and pink plastic reflecting off the overhead lights.  

He never wants to go through that scolding again. 

He swallows, trying to ease the painful knot of guilt in his throat. 

He should have stopped when he promised Minho he would the first time. 

The guilt he is feeling is nothing compared to the fractured trust and betrayal the dancer must be experiencing. 

He deserves better than this, than Chan and his stupid actions. 

Chan knows what he is doing, what he is inhaling into his lungs, the effects it is having on his body and mind. 

He knows all of that. 

It's just... the nicotine blurs everything, dulls the world, makes everything positive, at least for a little bit. 

It mutes the thoughts that rush through his head day and night, screaming at him to be better, perfect, a more competent leader, oh, my God, why doesn't he just give up already? 

It dulls the adrenaline that seems to rush through his veins most of the time these days, eases the jitters in his stomach and hands, loosens the tightness in his chest. 

It makes everything better. 

He is doing better, thanks to it. 

It's not that he needs it. 

No, it's not that, he tells himself repeatedly. 

He doesn't need it. 

He just wants it, just uses it to dull the sting of everyday life. 

It's better than letting himself bleed out on the bathroom floor, he reasons. 

He tried that once and it didn't work. 

No, this is better. 

At least physical evidence of his battles isn't painted across his body. 

He doesn't have to worry about the others finding out. 

Or so he thought. 

The memory of Minho's face, the way the dancer tried to keep his emotions from spreading across his face, to keep himself emotionless flashes through his mind. 

Minho tries to be unreadable sometimes, and in that, he becomes readable. 

The second eldest was pissed, hurt, betrayed that Chan hadn't kept his promise after he found him vaping the first time.