𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝚂𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚜 𝙿𝚝 𝟸

TW: self-harm, depression

angst, fluff

The part two nobody asked for but I had to do 

Felix knows the moment Chan steps in the door.

The elder relapsed.

It's evident in the way he carries himself, shoulders folded inward, eyes fixed on the floor, ashamed.

He doesn't need to be.

Felix watched his Live earlier, watched the way he...shut down after that comment, a comment that may have seemed harmless to anyone else, but to Chan, who has spent his whole life struggling to live up what he believes are everyone's standards for him, it was a tipping point.

The younger Aussie is glad that he decided to wait at the 3RACHA dorm for Chan, glad that that he can be here for the elder, when he so desperately needs it. 

Felix springs from the couch as Chan staggers to the living room, practically dead weight, hardly able to stay upright. He may not be as strong as either Chan or Changbin, but he is still able to support the elder to the couch.

Chan slumps against the cushions, eyelashes fluttering as he forces himself to stay awake. 

"Lix..."

"Shhh, hyung. Do you want to go to bed?"

Chan nods, leaning his head back, eyes falling closed.

"Lixie, I..."

Felix pulls him close, carding his fingers through the elder's hair. 

"Sleep, hyung, and then tomorrow we can spend the evening just the two of us."

"...Can't-"

Tears form in the corners of Chan's eyes as he forces them open, meeting Felix's gaze, eyes glassy with unshed tears. The younger Aussie swears he can hear his heart shatter in the silence. 

"I didn' mean to-but I..."

"I know, hyung. It'll be okay. It's not going to be easy, but we're here for you."

"But- I-Lix, I was almost there. I almost made it, but...I fucked up, Lix."

Felix shakes his head vehemently, tightening his hold on the leader. There's nothing he can say to change the elder's mind, but that doesn't mean he sure as hell won't try.

"No, hyung. You didn't fuck up. It's natural to relapse. It's terrible, yeah, but you've had so much on your plate lately, haven't you?"

Chan drops his head onto Felix's shoulder, eyes falling closed again.

"Yeah..."

His whisper is soft, shame and anger and regret seeping into his voice.

He shouldn't be blaming himself. Anyone who knows the leader's struggles knows how sensitive he is to hate, even if he tries his best to hide it. They know how much weight he places in other people's perception of him, how he is terrified to be left behind, a mental scar left over from his trainee days when he watched his friends leave, either cut or debuted, and was left to wonder what was wrong with him.