can i sleep forever

nineteen

i've noticed that whenever i'm in a relationship i in a way start feeling like if im messaging them a lot they will start to think im annoying. so i'll find myself wanting to message them but don't. all because i don't wanna seem annoying and clingy. which is something that played a part in my first relationship and why i ended things.

i mean that wasn't the only thing on why i decided to end things. other stuff had happened and honestly i don't think we were meant for each other. at least not for dating but as friends yeah. and if im being honest i did love him just not in the same way he loved me. and a part of me still does and has since we met.

a little part of me misses him but not that relationship. i miss that friendship we once had before we dated. if im being honest i didn't really wanna end things with him because i knew he would be hurt. but if i didn't we wouldn't have worked.

i think another part of why i didn't wanna end things is because i was holding onto that last little part of our friendship. i think that's why i don't like having a crush on a friend. i don't wanna lose that friendship. and if that friend does end up liking me back well.

i've made a rule for myself that i wouldn't date a friend. because whenever friends date it usually doesn't end well. but i've broken that rule and im really glad that i did. i've been told we probably won't last for that long maybe a year or two. but even if it's a few months or years i don't think i would change my choice. i haven't been this happy in a long time.

i've realized this chapter has been all over the place. but to wrap it up. even though my ex and i didn't end on good terms a part of me still cares about him in a way. because at one time he was once one of my best friends. and people that i was once friends with in some way i'll still care about them. and that im glad that i broke my rule about dating a friend. because these last two months i've been a lot happier.