Reach For The Stars (Dallas Liu & Ian Ousley)

55

STAR'S POV

Two Days Later....

"Star please open the door." My therapist, Dallas, and Ian all stood in front of my bedroom door.

I was on the other side of the door on the floor, thinking about my entire existence. I felt lifeless and hollow as I listened to their pleadings.

Four days ago I had my last sip of alcohol, and I really miss the taste of it. At this point, I'm unsure if I missed the taste or the feeling that it provided. Was it both?

My withdrawals have grown truly horrible. I was acting differently, and I certainly felt different. My anxiety was through the roof, and every second I was awake, I felt dreadful. I haven't slept in days, and I can hardly eat.

Everything around me made me paranoid. I lacked strength, energy, and motivation. As worn out as I was, my mind would not stop thinking. The need to turn it off was killing me.

Just yesterday, I got into an argument with Dallas, and Ian stepped in. I did not want to argue with them, but something inside me was dominating me. It was a combination of rage, annoyance, guilt, and temptation. I knew deep down that I didn't want to hurt them, so I shut myself in my room. I can't cause any damage if I'm away from them.

Our disagreement began when Dallas and Ian were conducting the daily home check to ensure that I was not hiding any booze or narcotics. Something in me became enraged, and I went off on Dallas due to the fact that he was in the way. The more he asked me to calm down, the angrier I became. Ian rushed in to defend their behavior, and my voice began to spew out nothing but cruel remarks. I didn't mean anything I said, but they didn't know that. How could they?

I felt awful and ashamed. How could I do this to the only ones who care about me? Why can't I stop? When will this stop? My head was driving me crazy. This was driving me crazy.

I missed not only the booze, but also the delicious sensation of the snowy material running up my nose and gums. In the hopes of feeling something, I began violently thrashing my toothbrush against my gums, convincing myself that I was doing it.

I'm playing pretend and progressively going insane.

"This feeling is only momentary, Star. You're doing very well, and you should be quite proud. Almost a week without using? That's incredible." I hear her attempting to comfort me.

"I-i don't feel incredible." I talk lightly.

As they hear my voice, the stress reduces.

"Of course not. This is part of the process; it is your first week sober. It is not going to be easy."

"I hate it."

"Please come out, Star. We are all worried about you."

"N-no. "I-I can't."

"Why?"

"C-cause I'm a b-bad person."

"Bad people don't think their bad." I overhear Dallas say.

"Please, Star." Ian says.

"You aren't a bad person, Star. You're just a person going through a terrible situation. But you have people here to support you."

"Star, please unlock the door." Dallas pleaded. "Please. I need to see you."

My heart was broken when I heard the despair in his voice.

You're being so selfish. So fucking selfish. How could I do this to him? How? I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible person.

I gaze at the lock on my door, hoping to unlock it. However, my body was preventing me from following.