BREAK 4 ME (CARRINGTON DIARIES 5)( Completed)

34

BANKS

A windy breeze hits Fourst Graveyard.I clear my throat as I step in front of it.

In honor of Banks Carington
Loving wife,Amazing Politician,Caring grandmother.

I take out the old flowers and replace them with daisies which were apparently her favorite.

I do the same thing with Grandma Zoe and put roses on hers.

I glance to left that read her wife's Zoe Hassan-Carrington right beside it.I sit down on the grass and sigh.

"Hi Grandma.I know that I've never visited you before.And I'm sorry for that.I just felt this need to come see you.A lot has been going on in my life right now.You see I'm a senior at Callister.Im actually only a few months away from graduating.I got signed to a pro futbol club so I'll be doing that after I graduate".

"I actually wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up but I felt like I didn't want to steal your shine away.Actually I feel like every mistake I make is hurting your legacy.I feel like I'm not good enough to have your last name.I feel I'm not worthy enough to have your first either.Did you ever feel this way,Grandma?Did you ever feel like you weren't doing the best you could?That you aren't being a Carrington?I feel like right now I'm worthless".

I look down at my hands and continue."I had a mental breakdown the other day in front of my cousins and my girlfriend.I think everything just rushed to me at once and I felt..overwhelmed.Im scared...I can't believe I'm admitting it but I'm terrified.Im scared that all my cousins will move on with their lives and leave me because I'm too much.Im scared that they won't love me anyone.Is that wrong,Grandma?".

"I wish you were here so you could help me.I know you saved me that day in the car and I just wanted to thank you.But I've never felt so lost right now.I don't really know what to do.I have to apologize to my cousins.But deep down I really down.I feel..empty almost.Is that wrong?".

"What if they grow to hate me?What if Mia hates me.What if she grows to hate me so much that she leaves me?What if she moves on with her life and leaves me behind".

"My mother would say that is a lot of what ifs"

I turn around to see my father l.He was deserves in his usual three piece suit and black oxfords.He unbuttons his suit jacket and chuckles.

"I was just coming here to exchange the flowers on their graves but you beat me to it".

He sets the flowers on the ground before sitting down in the grass right beside me.

He turns to the stones and says "Hi Mum,Hi Ma.Im sorry I'm late".He then smiles at the graves before glances ahead.

"Your grandmother Banks warned me off this".

I look at him and he continues."One day your son will grow to hate the name you gave him.It seems I didn't listen.Im sorry I put so much pressure on you,Banks.And I'm sorry that I never realized how much you were suffering.Like me..but not like me.I changed when I got older and I'm sure you realized that".

"I thought I could leave my past in the past.But I never knew that my son would deal with the same things.Your mother told me what happened"."Of course".

He raises his eyebrow and says "Your mom cares,Banks.She always has and she always will.Just like me"."You don't show it"I snap.

He nods his head and ruffles my hair."I don't and that's my problem.But I will fix it if you let me".i turn away and he smiles.

"I know you're mad about holding it all in.But they are still your family Banks.And you will need them"."I know".

There's silence as I stare at the grave."Did you and Mom ever have a fight like this?"."Yes.She had to move back to Australia to teach while I was still in college".

"What did you do?".

He smiles softly and says "I waited for her.If you want you and Mia to happen Banks, you just need to live your life.If you and Mia are meant to be then it will happen".

"Do you think we are meant to be Dad?".

He laughs softly and says "He'll yea.I think you and Mia will most definitely have your happy ending.I see the way you look at her Banks..it's the same look I gave your mom when I first saw her".

I tilt my head and says "Didn't you meet her at a bar..and you two had a one night stand?".

He frowns and says "Who told you that?".

"Aunt Nadia of course.You know Dad it's totally fine that you gave  in and spinned back.If you didn't I don't think me and Vaughn would've been born".

"Spin back??Who spun back!I didn't spin back!?She went to my college?!?"He says shocked.

I pat his shoulder and say "It's okay to spin back Dad".

He groans and says "God you try to comfort your son one time this shit happens!You see this mum!".

I chuckle softly as he shakes his head."Thank you"I say.

"It's nothing.As your father I should've been there for you more and I apologize.Deeply.I love you,Banks.And I want you to know that.I will be there to support you any way I can".

"..Even as a futbol player for Liverpool?".

He freezes and grabs my shoulder."They are picking you up?"He asks excited.

I nod my head and he jets up."Ya!Ha! My son is going to be a professional athlete!Suck it Astrid!".

I look at him shocked as he clears his throat."I mean.Thats a wonderful choice Banks.Im proud of you and I can't wait to go to your games and cheer you in".

"Right....It seems like you're more excited than I am"."What?Of course!My son is going to be playing in the big leagues!You are scoring my tickets right".

"Of course"I say."Yes!That way I see it in the cup box my son make a name for himself.Thats all I ever wanted for you Banks.Make a name for yourself in Liverpool Son.And do it for all of us,yea?".

I nod my head and say "I promise that I will most definitely be the best futbol player that London has seen.And I'll bring all the honor to the Carrington family".

He laughs and says "Now that's what I'm talking about!"