𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝚂𝚘𝚖𝚗𝚒𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚋𝚒𝚊

TW: nightmares, mentions of character death, anxiety, violence, blood, mentions of suicide

Chan has always struggled with sleeping. It's not exactly a secret-his insomnia is well known both among his band mates as well as their fans.

He has seen people post about the night, about how it's their time, a comforting period where they find peace and solace. He envies those people, wishes he could be like them, unbothered and unworried by the darkness. Honestly, he wishes he could just look forward to the night, instead of the familiar sinking of his stomach, the tightening of his muscles in dread when the clock ticks past six, dread snaking through him at the knowledge that he will have to sleep at some point or another.

Nights are when his insecurities rear up, lashing out in an attempt to lay him low. Unfortunately, most of the time, they succeed.

He is laying in bed now, tossing and turning, still just as awake as he was when he first attempted to sleep four hours ago, his mind racing. Thoughts ranging from oh my God, why did I let my last famcam get posted to fuck, what about the track that's due Wednesday to didn't Felix and Jisung say something about us three going out to eat sometime? When am I going to find time for that? race through his mind, taunting him, reminding him of his failures.

It's a vicious cycle, yet one he is used to.

If he's allowing himself to be honest, the torturous period before he falls asleep is preferable to actually being asleep.

He doesn't know what it is- stress, hate comments getting to him, any of a million other factors- yet lately, his mind has turned traitor, greeting him the moment he falls asleep with what he assumes are hellish scenes.

He can't actually remember anything when he wakes, a blessing in disguise.

All he knows is that he wakes every night, shaking as though he is in the grip of fever, tears choking him, collecting on his lashes, spilling down his face, his neck, into his mouth.

Tonight is no different.

His eyes fly open, the beginnings of a scream in his throat, adrenaline rushing through his veins.

He sits up, curling inward, wrapping his arms around himself in an effort to stop the shaking, to warm up.

Why?

Why does he have to go through this every fucking night?

He's tried sleeping medication, meditating before bed, hell, he even went through a period where he refused to sleep for three days straight. He passed out from sheer exhaustion, but at least he didn't dream.

Minho and Changbin scolded him for it, thinking that he was simply overworking himself yet again.

They don't know that the reason he overworks himself so much is not simply because he feels as though he owes it to them (although he does, truth be told), but also because he would rather faint than face the unknown terrors that greet him every night.

They don't know, and Chan sure as hell won't tell them.

It's not their battle- he doesn't need to worry them any more than he already does.