The Way I Loved You

First Love

As the date of Haein's surgery loomed closer, so did the bad dreams. They were only a week away from flying to Germany, and it had been on the forefront of their minds, even though neither of them mentioned it out of fear of burdening the other.

They tiptoed around the topic, steering the conversation away to keep living blissfully oblivious lives as much as they could. With such high stakes, it felt like even thinking about it too much could jinx it. Despite that raw desperation for Haein to live, they managed to put on a brave front, going about their days like nothing was wrong.

Tonight was one of those nights where they were plagued by hospitals and death. It had happened multiple times now; Hyunwoo would be stirred awake by Haein's incomprehensible murmuring in her sleep, or by her thrashing body beside his as she fought tooth and nail for her future. In those moments, he would gently shake her awake and hold her silently until she calmed down. Up till now, the possibility of her dying was still something they were afraid to talk about, but there was a wordless understanding between them. They needed to be brave and pray for everything to pass.

This time, it wasn't Haein having a nightmare, it was Hyunwoo.

"Haein... Haein please. NO! HAEIN!"

He had kicked the sheets off the both of them, his limbs flailing in all directions as if fighting an invisible force. With how close they were sleeping, he accidentally elbowed her in the ribs, narrowly missing her chin. Haein was awake in an instant, sitting up so she could shake him awake and drag him out of his nightmare.

"Hyunwoo ya, you're just dreaming, wake up." She whispered urgently, shaking his shoulders. It scared her to see him like this, the man who'd such confidence that she would recover, the man who'd stood strong as her pillar of support even when she struggled with her symptoms. It felt like the world was collapsing around her, and the helplessness coiled in her chest at being unable to do anything.

"Hyunwoo, please." She begged, starting to panic when it didn't work. Worried that he was going to hurt her or himself unintentionally, she squeezed herself at the head of the bed, cradling his head in her lap in the hopes that it would help to calm him down.

"Hyunwoo! BAEK HYUNWOO!" Her voice tightened, on the verge of hysteria when his eyes flashed open, his dark pupils swirling with terror.

He sat up so quickly that he nearly hit her chin with his forehead, before pulling her into a bone crushing hug. It was as if she was a giant helium balloon, threatening to float away if he didn't hold tight enough. She could hear his jagged breaths by her ear, the violent trembling as he ran his hands over her back, as if making sure that she was real.

"It's okay, it's just a dream. Don't be scared." She said softly, not wanting to startle him. "It's okay, I'm right here."

Just like how he'd always done it for her, she began to rub slow circles in his back, holding him tightly as she waited for the fear and adrenaline to fade.

"Everything is okay. You're gonna be okay." She ran her hands through his tousled hair, carefully tugging it back into place. She kept her gestures slow and steady, giving him something to focus on, something to cling onto other than the paralysing fear. It was therapeutic for her too, for she had been so startled earlier. She needed something to busy herself with, something to distract her from the creeping guilt that this was all her fault.

"Hold on, let me switch on the light." She let go of him for a moment, crawling over to her side of the bed where their little lamp was.

The moment she switched it on, its warm light seeped through the room, chasing away the shadows. Haein loved this little light. It was not too bright which allowed them to sleep even when it was on and had the most comforting glow that reminded her of sunshine on a Sunday morning. Sometimes, on days that she felt particularly anxious, Hyunwoo would encourage her to switch it on so she could sleep better.