The Way I Loved You

Apologies and Reflections

"Haeinie, Appa is sorry."

"Ne?" Her head snapped up at the unexpected words. The rest of the family had gone to get lunch at the cafeteria, leaving her with Hyunwoo and her father for company, but Hyunwoo was currently outside taking a call.

"I know that I haven't been a good father to you for the past twenty years. Whenever your mother was being unreasonable to you, I always stayed silent instead of standing up for you. I should've done better, I should've protected you as your father."

After he found out about Haein's condition, it felt like the ground had disappeared beneath his feet. His precious daughter was severely ill, but he had been too clueless to do anything to help. Haein was his little girl, his pride and joy who excelled at life much more than he could've ever expected, but it seemed like he'd forgotten how precious she was to him. The jarring reminder that despite her strong appearance, she was just as fragile as anyone else, and the idea that she could leave this world before him was simply unfathomable.

He should've known better than to let his personal insecurities overshadow his love for her. His own father disregarded him and treated him like an idiot, ready to bypass him and hand his position as chairman over to his daughter instead. A part of him had resented her for making him feel inadequate in comparison, but that was never her fault. He should've taken the opportunity to learn from her despite her young age and develop the same work ethic rather than silently resenting her for unintentionally highlighting his incompetence.

He used to think that they had all the time in the world. Eventually, his wife would get over the death of her eldest son and finally let go of her resentment towards Haein. Feelings faded and traumatic events became past memories. It was the easy way out to let things run their course. Now that he was realising how little time he might have left with Haein, the crippling guilt overwhelmed him.

Why did he do anything all this time? That poor child had done nothing wrong, she'd nearly drowned herself and was traumatised from the event. Rather than trying to placate his wife, he should've assured that innocent child who'd blindly believed that she didn't deserve to be loved anymore because she was to be blamed. His poor daughter. How could he have let her live over half her life in misery?

"Appa... It's okay. It was a difficult time for all of us." She tried to reassure him, feeling guilt pool in her stomach when she saw her father so defeated. If it wasn't for her stupid tumour, her family wouldn't be here feeling bad for the things they did. It was her fault that they were all here in this cold hospital instead of being at home.

How could she be so forgiving? The fact that she was still trying to comfort him despite everything that he'd made her go through amplified his remorse. When she held his hand, he still remembered how tiny it had been when she was learning how to walk, when she'd trusted him with all her heart. He'd betrayed that innocent trust and left her to claw her way to the surface alone. How much time had he wasted? Her hand was so much bigger now, nearly the same size as his. Where did that little girl go? She had been forced to grow up faster than she should have because she had no other choice.

"Ani, it was difficult, but there was no reason for you to bear the brunt of the consequences. I should've been the one holding the entire family together, yet I let your Halabeoji make all the decisions. I was a failure as a father and as the head of the household. Don't you worry now, Appa will take care of you. I'll find all the best doctors so that you can get the best treatments and get better, okay?"

"Okay. I trust you." Haein's fingers curled around his, her smile lifting the burden ever so slightly off his heart. If he could still make things better now, if he could make a difference, he would do whatever he took. He refused to fail his family again.