The Way I Loved You

Reopening Old Wounds

Haein rested her weight on the wall, staring out into the starry sky above. Tonight would officially be her last night here, and she was reluctant to leave. She was going to miss the serenity, the sound of birds chirping instead of honking cars and the smell of her mother in law's home cooking every morning. Back in Seoul, there would be no stars because of all the light pollution, so she wanted to soak in the view one last time.

The door creaked open behind her. "What are you doing?" Seonhwa peeked in curiously, much to Haein's surprise. Since that day at the hospital, they had simply coexisted around each other, this was the first time that her mother had actively sought her out.

"Nothing much." She replied vaguely like she always did, because she'd learnt that it was the best way to avoid judgement. But this time, she faltered, wanting to change things for once. "I can see many stars." She added as Seonhwa made her way over to stand by the window with her.

Her heart pounded in her chest. She couldn't remember the last time her mother had come looking for her without the intention to criticise. Instinctively, she wanted to shrink away and put distance between them, as if it would protect her. But despite her fears, the biting words didn't come.

"I even saw a shooting star recently." Haein offered, a tentative olive branch.

"Really?" Seonhwa asked, her expression one of genuine awe. "I dreamed of one when I was pregnant with you. I always wanted a pretty daughter. I was ecstatic... after having that dream." Her tone was soft and wistful, completely different from what Haein had grown to associate with her mother. It reminded her of the before, when she would still read her bedtime stories every night, her gentle voice lulling her to sleep. As that memory resurfaced, so did the tears in her eyes.

Seonhwa paused. "I don't know which attitude to take. We were like cats and dogs for over 20 years, so I feel awkward to suddenly act so affectionate towards you. But deep down, I feel so guilty and regretful. I want to treat you well." Her voice caught at the end, her eyes glassy with tears.

Finding out about Haein's illness had been an earth-shattering wake up call. What had she been doing all these years? She had allowed her grief to drown out her love for her daughter. A part of her had blamed herself too, for not watching Haein and Suwan closely enough, for letting them go so deep into the water without an adult nearby. Had she been more careful, the accident would've never happened.

It was all their fault, for not having paid enough attention to the children because they were so reliant on the maids to help them with everything. But she couldn't blame her husband, and she couldn't possibly blame the chairman who had also been sitting there on the beach, so the only person left had been Haein, and that poor child had bore the brunt of her anger at fate for most of her life.

"This is good enough."

Seonhwa's eyes widened, turning to look at her. "Is it?" It most certainly didn't feel like it. She owed Haein a lifetime of apologies, a few words like this wouldn't cut it. She wanted to start over and love Haein all over again, treating her like she should've to that nine year old, to let her receive the love and affection that she should have.

"I'd feel awkward too, if you suddenly changed your ways. We'll have a lot of time, so let's take it slowly. This will do for now." At last, Haein took a tentative step towards her mother, filling in the space in front of the small window.

It was strange, having such a heartfelt conversation with her mother. Never in her wildest dreams would she have thought that this day would come, and as much as she'd wished for it once upon a time, she didn't know what to do with herself now that she had her mother's love. Haein wasn't used to receiving love, so she was still struggling to figure out how to accept it.