Desire

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

Carter

I'm sitting next to Adelaide's hospital bed, holding her hand. She's hooked up to a bunch of wires looking like an Angel as she sleeps, but to me. She looks dead. I know I have to have hope, but it's been months and nothing has changed. Adelaide has been in a coma for months with zero movement. 

Jack is sitting in the waiting room. He feels guilty that he might have caused this, but the truth is that it's not completely his fault. I have been so angry with him for years, and I wanted to blame him so badly for taking Adelaide away from me

The truth was it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I did some really shitty things to Adelaide. She did the right thing leaving. I knew that then, but I didn't want to hear it. I see it clearly now. I got the help I needed by seeking therapy. It was too late. Now, I might not ever get her back. 

When Adelaide called me scared and sad, I lost it. I wanted to yell and scream at him. this is what he does. He always scares the people he loves away from him. I thought Adelaide would make him want to be better. I thought he would do better for her.  I was wrong. 

Instead, he traumatized her and now she's in a coma. She might not ever wake up. I haven't even grieved the loss of my baby. It's just bad shit happening over and over again. I started to think about how none of this would have happened if I hadn't come into her life. If I wouldn't have fallen in love with her. 

The truth was I couldn't stay away from her even if I tried. The moment she walked into my office and talked to me in that soft, seductive bratty voice wearing that tight dress. I wanted to bend her against my desk.  I was fighting the urge every second. I tried to let it go, but I couldn't. Now, I've been sitting in a hospital chair for the last 4 four months because she went into shock after losing my baby.  What a shitty year. 

Someone touches my shoulder. My shoulder jumps, but I relax when I see Adelaide's mom. Her face is blank, her eyes are bloody red. She has said maybe two words to me. The silence is deafening. She hates me. 

"Carter you should go home; shower, eat, get some rest," she says, pretending to be nice to me for the first time in months. She had been trying to kick me out for months, but I resisted. When she kicked me out of Adelaide's room. I would stay in the waiting room. I'm not leaving Adelaide. I let her down before and I will never do it again.  

"So now you care about me?"I shouted at her. She was taken back. I could tell by the way she looked at me wide eyed holding her  hand to her chest like she couldn't believe I said that. 

"Watch your mouth, Carter. My daughter is old enough to be your daughter. I never approved, but she begged me. I will regret that forever."

"You don't think I don't feel regret? I wish for months that I never did any of this, so I don't have to sit here and watch  Adelaide slowly slipping away and not being able to do a thing. My therapist helped me see that I went through this whole things the wrong way. I'm changing so I can be better for her," I yelled at her. She shook her head at me. I knew no matter what I said she wouldn't believe me.

"You should feel guilt. This whole thing is your fault. Changing now is not going to fix the fact that my daughter is laying in a fucking  hospital bed. None of this should have happened," she screamed back at me. 

"I know," my voices softens. I look down at my hands. I can't look at her anymore. She's losing way more than I am. I can't imagine having my daughter hooked up to machines even if we're not talking. 

"Carter," she says. I snap my eyes to look at her. Her eyes are sympathetic, her voice soft. "I know that you're a good guy, Carter and that you didn't mean to hurt my daughter, but you did. My daughter is siting in a hospital hooked up to machines for months because she lost your baby and only God knows why she lost the baby and what you did."

"I did nothing. I would never hurt Adelaide in a million years," I replied, because I knew it was the truth, but I can't  bring myself to put  throw Jack in the line of fire.

 He cares about Adelaide in his way. I know he didn't mean it. When he has big emotions, he doesn't know what to do with them. We were always taught that showing emotion or loving someone made you weak. I got out, but for who knows how long Jack had to live with my dad drilling it into his head. So he pushed Adelaide out, made her afraid of him. 

She lost her baby. Trauma after trauma. Maybe it is best we both stay out of her life for good. 

"You say you would never hurt her, but you have a million times over," she interrupted me. " I can't trust you, Carter. You used to be the person I trusted the most with my daughter. You let me down, you let Adelaide down."

"And I will never forgive myself,"