Desire

CHAPTER FIFTY

                                                                                 Adelaide

I'm sitting at a park watching the children play there.  I have been coming here for the past few weeks. It has helped my healing process. They say it gets better, but they never lost a baby.  The pain never ends. 

I took some time away from the drama to reevaluate what I wanted my life to be like. How can I move forward and get my life back on track? the first thing was possibly getting my job back. I didn't want to beg Carter to give me my job back. If he said no I would totally understand. A part of me doesn't want to return to work for Carter. I didn't want the reminder of everything I had been through and lost.  

This is just a starter job for now just to be able to pay rent for the next weeks. Then, I'll figure it out, and find a better job. I don't want Carter to think that this means we're getting back together because I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be prepared for that. I'll make it clear. 

"Hey, Ade," someone says from next to me. I look up and find Carter flashing his smile at me. He looks healthy and handsome. I found myself looking him up and down. Don't get distracted, Adelaide.  I hate that I have to do this. 

I smiled back at him. "Hello, Carter, How are you?" I asked. 

"I'm good, how are you?" he answered. He's playing with his fingers, he's nervous. Did he think that I was coming to tell him bad news? I hope he doesn't believe this is bad news to him. I mean,  I'm not cutting him out of my life. 

"I'm good, Carter," I reply. Silence falls between us. I can practically feel him bracing for impact. I am not going to make him wait any longer. 

"I have been thinking for weeks since I decided to distance myself from you, " I could practically feel him holding his breath. "I know I have no right to ask this from you, but I could have my old job back,"

He looks at me confused. I think he's going to say no. I stand up to walk away when he grabs my hand. "Adelaide, the job has always been waiting for you to return. No matter what happens between us, You will always have a job at my company," he says with a smile.

I immediately jump on him to hug him, but immediately pull away. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "You don't know how much that means to me, Carter. Really."

"Anything for you, Ade," he replies. His words crush me. He still loves and cares about me despite everything I put him through. I don't deserve him and his kindness. Not at all. 

"Carter, I-" I wanted to tell him to tell him that I wasn't ready for him to be in my life again. Romantic or not, but he interrupted me. 

"I know, Ade. I'll be here when you're ready" he replies. My heart breaks for him. What if I'm never ready? What if the demons that haunt me? haunt me forever? will Carter just be a reminder of everything I lost forever? and I'll never be able to forgive him. I want to be able to forgive him. I think I just need time. 

"You are the best, Carter. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to move past everything that happened this year. I want to so badly. I just don't know how to be able to forgive you,"

He moves from the bench to his knees and takes my hand in his. "I will do everything in my power to get you to be able to forgive me and trust me again. What if we start as friends?"

"Yes," I agreed. Friends is good. 

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A couple of months later, Carter and I settled into a kind of weird place. He says hello to me and we talk professionally, but he hasn't talked to me as a friend. Maybe, he thought friendship meant that it was a causal friendship where we didn't talk or he didn't want to push my boundaries. He wanted me to make the first move. 

So today I knocked on his office door fully prepared to ask him for some coffee when I saw his ex-wife sitting at his desk. She perks her lips at me in disgust. What the hell is she doing here after basically planning everything?

I look between him and his ex-wife betrayal probably clear on my face. My breathing starts getting faster and faster. I think I am having a panic attack. I need air. I ran out of the room and into the elevator. I could hear him screaming for me, but I didn't stop. I got into the elevator and watched as the door closed the door on his face. How could we speak to her again after everything we have been through because of her?

 I got downstairs and ran past people at the entranceway. They all probably looked at me like I was crazy, but I didn't care. I needed to get out of this building. I ran into the sidewalk and bent over. I felt like I was going to throw it up. 

Then, I felt a hand on my back, Carter's face came into view and I pushed him away. "Leave," I screamed. "Leave me alone, Carter. How could you?" I started, but couldn't finish. I was so angry, so disgusted. "Why wouldn't you do that?"

His face is apologetic. "It's not what it seems, Adelaide," he tried to explain, but I wouldn't hear it. 

"How could you still talk to her after everything she put us through?" I yelled at him after finally standing up straight, and tall. 

"Let me explain, Adelaide," he says reaching out to touch my hand. I yank my hand away. I don't even want to feel his touch right now. I know if I do I'll just ignore the knot in my stomach when I see them together. 

I can't just overthink. I have to let him explain.  There could be a good reason why she was in his office. Right? "Fine, explain," I replied, crossing my arms across my chest. I stared at him, waiting for an answer. 

"She showed up here randomly. I did not ask her to be here!" he replies, with emphasis. "When you saw her, I was telling her that if she came around again. I was going to put in a restraining order on her."

Do I believe him? I know, Carter wouldn't do that to me. I know that now, not after everything we have been through. I want to believe him. He holds his arms out to me and I run into his arms, tears running down my eyes, and let him hold me. Just like that day in my living room.