𝙱𝚊𝚗𝚐 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

𝙷𝚊𝚗𝚊𝚑𝚊𝚔𝚒

TW: Hanahaki, major character death, blood, mentioned self harm

This is my own interpretation of hanahaki, and as such, it's a platonic version of the illness, because I was feeling lazy

06-13-20XX

I coughed up a petal today. I didn't realise what it was at first, until I looked it up. Hanahaki- the disease where a victim of one sided love coughs up petals that grow in their lungs. But...I'm not in love. I don't have the time for that. I haven't dated anyone in years- I've just been too busy with planning comebacks.

I'm scared. I don't know what this means. Maybe I am in love with someone and just don't realise it, but... how would that even be possible? I'll have management schedule a doctor's visit tomorrow.

06-20-20XX

The results came back. I have Hanahaki. The doctor said that my parents both had to carry a certain recessive gene for this to happen, and even then, the chances of this actually happening were so low, it shouldn't have.

It's fucking ridiculous. Because I don't love anyone, they don't have a foolproof way to remove the flowers without ensuring that they won't come back. It'd just be buying me a little bit of extra time.

It's an odd feeling. Technically, I am dying.

I'm dying.

It's some sort of sick joke, God, I wish it was a joke, but the petals are there every time I cough.

Eventually it will be blood, too.

I wish I was home. I wish I could spend more time with Mum and Dad, and Hannah and Lucas.

But I have to be there for the others.

I don't know when I will tell them. I'll have to- I know that much.

That doesn't mean that I want to.

It's still so early. I don't want to have them cry. I want them to be happy for as long as possible.

Once it gets worse, I'll tell them.

07-14-20XX

Management has been having me do treatments for my disease. I find it pointless. It's all just trying to buy me some extra time. It's not like I'm going to manage to live through this disease, after all.

I understand why they are doing it.

We have a comeback planned, and they (me too, if I'm going to be honest) want me to stick around for the fans for as long as possible.

I want to stay, to give the fans and the kids as many good memories as I can.

So I'll do the fucking treatments.

07-15-20XX

I'm so sick and tired of Manager-Nim staring at me like I'm going to drop dead at any moment. Thanks to the treatments, I haven't even coughed up any blood yet, but he acts like he's already at my funeral.

It's such fucking bullshit. If this was going to happen to me, why did it have to happen now, that we are at the height of our career, now that we are doing well, now that we have actually managed to become something?